“Wanted: Ted or Alive” (OLN 8 p.m.) I would think that losing and getting kicked off a reality show in which you are subjected to various outdoor survival challenges by off-his-rocker rocker Ted Nugent would, in actuality, be a form of winning, as you would no longer be forced to hang out with Mr. Nugent.
“Killer Instinct” (KASA-2 8 p.m.) Tonight, the team investigates a group of deviants who are recreating murder scenes from their favorite videogames. What's with kids today? My favorite videogame is “Dig Dug.” ... Well, come to think of it, that would make for a pretty grisly murder scene in real life.
Locusts: The Eighth Plague (Sci-Fi 7 p.m.) Well, if you're gonna make a sci-fi horror film, I guess it beats the third biblical plague, which was gnats. Annoying, but not all that scary.
“Extraterrestrial” (National Geographic 8 p.m.) Computer-generated imaging and 3-D effects are used to bring hypothetical aliens to life. Of course, if you're not going to blow them up in a videogame, what's the point?
“Penn & Teller: Off the Deep End” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Nontraditional magicians Penn & Teller perform assorted stunts in the Bahamas, including walking on water and making a submarine disappear. And they'll probably tell you how they did it, just to cheese off the other magicians.
“SNL in the '80s: Lost & Found” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) NBC digs up the best bits from the '80s run of “Saturday Night Live.” Me, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for plenty of Tim Kazurinsky clips.
Touched (Lifetime 7 p.m.) A dedicated nurse (Jenna Elfman, “Dharma & Greg”) falls in love with a former coma patient (Randall Batinkoff--he's the kid who got Molly Ringwald pregnant in For Keeps?). Get this: Not only is he a former coma patient, but he's lost his sense of touch. He can't feel, people! How's that for a romantic drama? Tearducts in standby mode, people.
“The 3rd Annual Vibe Awards” (KASY-50 7 p.m.) Don't worry, all your favorites will be there: Ludacris, Pharrell, Young Jeezy, Li'l Wayne and plenty of other folks who have done their mothers proud by forsaking their birth names.
“The 39th Annual Country Music Awards” (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) Boy, talk about your counterprogramming. I think between these two musical awards shows you've pretty much split the audience. ... Admittedly, CMA has got the seniority, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to go with the awards show that promises at least the chance that somebody in the audience is getting knifed.
“I Walk the Line: A Night for Johnny Cash” (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) Dwight Yoakam, Kid Rock, The Foo Fighters, Sheryl Crow, Norah Jones, Brad Paisley and U2 are among the performers saluting the late, great Johnny Cash in this musical tribute--nicely timed to coincide with the theatrical release of the Johnny Cash biopic Walk the Line.