The Worst Films of 2005
As hard as it might be to choose the best films in a year that offered few true standouts, it's doubly hard to choose the worst films in a year that offered a flood of risible sequels (Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, Son of the Mask, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo), horrid TV-to-movie translations (The Honeymooners, Bewitched), seriously dumb action vehicles (The Pacifier, xXx 2: State of the Union, Doom) and a movie starring Ashlee Simpson (the prophetically titled Undiscovered). Here, however, are the worst of the worst:
Domino—Director Tony Scott (Top Gun) has always been the less talented brother of Ridley Scott (Blade Runner). Never has that been more evident than in this maniacal mess of a movie. Scott directs like a 60-year-old thinks a 20-year-old would direct: toxic cinematography, sub-MTV editing and a story that would jangle the nerves of the most videogame-addicted viewer. So bad, even a naked Keira Knightly couldn't save it.
The Island—There were worse films to come out in 2005, but few wasted more resources. A $122 million budget was blown on a script that shamelessly clones 1979's Parts: The Clonus Horror and a director (Armageddon's Michael Bay) still recycling explosions from Arnold Schwarzenegger's '80s-era oeuvre. In the end, producers had the stones to blame costar Scarlett Johansson's lack of star power for the film's failure. Embarrassing.
Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D—Robert Rodriguez is an innovative director (Sin City more than proves that), but this juvenile junk argues otherwise. Rodriguez proudly told people this sloppy superhero fantasy was written by his seven-year-old son. Guess what: It shows. The Crayola-smeared script is a rambling mess and the 3-D is some of the ugliest, most eyeball-abusing since the days of Bwana Devil.
The Sound of Thunder—This slapdash adaptation of Ray Bradbury's classic short story is an embarrassment to the sci-fi genre. It also features some of the least convincing CGI dinosaurs this side of “Yoshi's Island.” The film sat on the shelf for three years before being released. It probably should have stayed there.
Just About Any Horror Film Released in 2005—Seriously, take your pick: White Noise, Boogeyman, Hide and Seek, Alone in the Dark, Cursed, The Amityville Horror, House of Wax, Cry_Wolf, The Fog, The Cave. This year puked up some of the lamest, most recycled, stick-a-WB-Network-star-in-it-nobody-cares-anyway teen horror films to ever pollute a cineplex. Am I scared? Yes. For the future of Hollywood.
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