H.G Wells' War of the Worlds (Sci-Fi Channel 7 p.m.) In case you didn't notice, three versions of War of the Worlds came out in 2005. Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds was the only to get into theaters. In addition to an incredibly chintzy and really long British version (The War of the Worlds), there was this frugal (under $1 million) version starring former direct-to-video king C. Thomas Howell.
“Exposing the Order of the Serpentine” (Spike 7:30 p.m.) I'm sure you've noticed the ads for this thing by now. It's a mockumentary in which an investigative reporter uncovers a secret brotherhood dedicated to helping men overcome the shame caused by bad hookups. It's produced by Axe Body Spray. In other words: It's a commerical.
“My Gym Partner's a Monkey” (Cartoon Network 10 p.m.) CN's newest cartoon series explores the life of young Adam Lyon, who--thanks to an administrative typo (changing “Lyon” to “Lion”)--finds himself the only human in a middle school full of zoo animals.
Disaster Zone: Volcano in New York” (Sci-Fi 7 p.m.) Don't laugh. It could happen. I place this somewhere between “running into a chupacabra on a cruise ship” and “being attacked by a swarm of nanobots” on the Sci-Fi Channel Plausibility Scale.
Mrs. Harris (HBO 9 p.m.) Annette Bening and Sir Ben Kingsley star in this docudrama about the notorious 1980 Scarsdale Diet murder.
“Winter Olympics Closing Ceremonies” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) How can the nations of the world possibly top the Fellini-inspired, “Funkytown”-driven cheese of the opening ceremonies?
“Dancing With the Stars” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Personally, I'm about as invested in this as I am in the outcome of the Albanian farm board elections. You may feel differently. If so, feel free to wait with bated breath for tonight's finals.
“Deal or No Deal” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) I'm hoping that, with the “second season premiere” of this gameshow, people will finally realize it's the TV equivalent of watching someone flip a coin. Until somebody starts broadcasting “Celebrity Keno,” I'm dubbing this the most boring concept ever for a TV show.
“The Apprentice” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) Donald Trump hasn't exactly been fired, but he has been outsourced to Monday nights.
“The Amazing Race” (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) Who do you love, who do you hate? Tune in to tonight's ninth season premiere and choose early. I'm betting that “The Hippie Dudes” (BJ & Tyler) and “The Busty Blondes” (Danielle & Dani) will fit into one of those two categories.
“Free Ride” (KASA-2 8:30 p.m.) FOX tries out a new sitcom in the plush, post-“American Idol” slot. This one features a college graduate (Josh Dean--he voiced “Ferron the Iron Golem” in the Neverwind Nights: Shadows of Undrentide videogame) forced to move back into his parents' garage. Not exactly an original concept, but heartily endorsed by all the wannabe sitcom writers who have been forced to move back into their parents' garages.