“So You Think You Can Dance?” (KASA-2 7 p.m.) Lemme explain this to you, America, in no uncertain terms: You can’t dance, you can’t sing, you can’t cook, you can’t invent things. Please just do us all a favor and stay at home watching TV. You’ll save yourself the embarrassment and remove all chance of forcing us to watch shows like this.
“The Jake Effect” (Bravo 7 p.m.) Bravo touts it new BrilliantButCancelled.com broadband site with an airing of this shot-but-never-aired sitcom starring Jason Bateman (just as I was getting over the pain of losing “Arrested Development”) as a corporate lawyer.
“The 100 Funniest Movies” (Bravo 7 p.m.) Bravo counts down the funniest films of all time. All I’m saying is Caddyshack had better get some love.
The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb (Bravo 7 p.m.) Considering this is the umpteenth direct-
“Iraq Confidential With Jesse James” (Discovery 7 p.m.) You know what Iraq needs? A visit from kick-ass motorcycle designer Jesse James. That ought to straighten out this whole Sunni/Shiite problem. Choppers for everyone!
“My Fair Brady” (VH1 7 p.m.) Will former Brady kid Christopher Knight and former America’s Top Model Adrianne Curry really get married? Find out on this second season of VH1’s reality show spin-off of “The Surreal Life.”
“Entertaining the Troops” (KNME-5 7 p.m.) PBS celebrates Memorial Day by saluting the performers who kept our troops entertained. Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, Jack Benny and the Andrews sisters are among the classic acts captured in archival footage.
“The Last Comic Standing” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t NBC care so little about this show last summer that they dumped the season finale and aired it on their website? Not so funny, really.
“Rescue Me” (FX 11 p.m.) Denis Leary’s troubled firefighter series returns for another season of alcoholism and angst. I wonder who he’ll be hallucinating about his season?
“Gameshow Marathon” (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) Ricki Lake hosts this summer series in which “celebrities” (or whatever you might term the likes of Tim Meadows, Kathy Najimy, Lance Bass and one of the girls [not Pamela Anderson] from “Baywatch”) compete against each other in recreations of classic TV game shows--from “Cardsharks” to “The Price is Right.”
“Chris Angel: Mindfreak” (A&E 8 p.m.) America’s best magician/Goth poseur returns for another season of Marilyn Manson-inspired illusions.