“2006 Scripps National Spelling Bee” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Now that America is all caught up in spelling bee fever ... What? You didn’t see Akeelah and the Bee? Or Bee Season? ... Great. Now, not only are the vast majority of these kids going to lose on national television, they’re also going to tank in the ratings.
“What Not to Wear: Worst Dressed Family” (TLC 7 p.m.) This week, the TLC crew have found an entire family of poorly dressed slobs. All seven members get a style makeover. The kicker? They’re all from Las Vegas, meaning they can go back to their jobs as blackjack dealers and strippers looking their absolute best.
“Carpocalypse” (Spike 6 p.m.) “Demolition derby to the max” returns with an all-new season of car-crunching action.
“Falcon Beach” (ABC Family 8 p.m.) Lemme guess: another teen soap about privileged rich kids alternately sulking and trying to get in one another’s pants? ... Hey! Score another hit for the TV critic.
“The 4,400: Unlocking the Secrets” (USA 8 p.m.) What’s the deal with these 4,400 people who disappeared from Earth and returned with superpowers? If you missed the last couple seasons, or have just forgotten at this point, USA gives you a one-hour brush-up just in time for the new season.
“The Sopranos” (HBO 10 p.m.) Only 12 episodes? Don’t panic. We get eight more in January. Yes, January. OK, now you can panic.
“The Simple Life 4: Til Death Do Us Part” (E! 11 p.m.) I’ve racked my brain trying to come up with two people I care less about than Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. I’ve decided there isn’t a streetsweeper in Albania who’s less interesting than these two anorexic skanks. FOX dumped you, your fiancés dumped you--get a clue, ladies.
“2006 ALMA Awards” (ABC 8:30 p.m.) This annual awards show celebrates the best Latino performers in music, film and television. Performers on tonight’s telecast include Brian McKnight, The Ying Yang Twins, Big & Rich and hick-hop rapper Cowboy Troy--none of whom seem to be Hispanic.
“The Apprentice” (KOB-4 8:30 p.m.) Michael J. Fox, Jamie Pressly, Denis Leary, Jason Priestly, Stephen Baldwin and The Barenaked Ladies all make appearances on tonight’s finale. ... Nope, I still don’t care who Trump “hires” to “run” one of his “companies.”
“Fear Factor” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) NBC’s weekly cockroach-eating contest may be going off the air, but at least we get one final summer season. Tonight, reality show stars (man, I don’t see enough of those people!) are competing.
“Dog Bites Man” (Comedy Central 11:30 p.m.) CC’s newest series takes us behind the scenes of a fake TV news crew as they comb Spokane, Wash., looking for stories. The twist? The people that our comic actors are interviewing are real and completely unaware this is a “scripted” sitcom.