The lamest Summer movie toy tie-ins
Speed Racer Cell Phone
by Mattel (Price: $9.99)
What do kids who loved Speed Racer want to play with? Cars? Racetracks? Hell, no! They want a fake cell phone. According to the manufacturer, this plastic contraption “captures the fun and excitement of the Summer 2008 hit movie Speed Racer.” (Boy, that sentence is wrong on several counts.) It’s also described as “a fun way for boys to feel like they are staying in touch with Speed as he prepares to race.” Note to kids: Driving and talking on your cell phone is illegal in most cities.
Kung Fu Panda —Master Monkey Staff Accessory
by Mattel (Price: $12.99)
Back in the day, we called this a stick. And it didn’t cost $12.99.
Indiana Jones Electronic Sound FX Whip
by Hasbro (Price: $23.49)
What better way to introduce your children to the world of light S&M than with this exciting “role play” weapon? “Uncoil your whip and let the quest for fortune and glory begin!” crows the package. The whip’s plush construction means there’s no need for a safe word. Push a button and you can hear Indiana Jones theme music and authentic “whip-cracking sounds.” ... Of course, if your child doesn’t like Indiana Jones, he or she can always use it to re-enact The Passion of the Christ.
Iron Man N.R.F. 425 Blaster
by Hasbro (Price: $25.99)
It’s a cool enough Nerf gun, but—aside from the red and yellow construction—it doesn’t have anything to do with Iron Man. Iron Man doesn’t carry a gun. And he fires repulsors, not blasters. Every nerd knows that.
The Chronicles of Narnia Gauntlet Crossbow
by Play Along (Price: $12.99)
While most 8-year-olds would salivate at the prospect of strapping a medieval weapon to their wrist, not all parents may be so excited by the idea (even if the arrows are foam-tipped). Give junior one of these, and seven years down the line, he’ll have graduated to collecting ninja stars, listening to Celtic death metal and plotting to blow up his high school.
On the plus side, kids can use it to re-create King Peter Pevensie’s epic battle against the Telmarines—adults can use it to re-create the Gayboy Berserkers’ epic battle against Mad Max in The Road Warrior.
Operation Hulk/Don’t Wake Hulk
Both by Hasbro (Price: $22.99 each)
It’s hard to imagine any sort of scenario that would transport the roid-raging Incredible Hulk into the classic board games Operation and Don’t Wake Daddy. Not even the villainous Arcade would be that devious. And yet here we find the green goliath’s cartoony cousin taking up residence in both. While the latter of the two at least counts as good advice, the former counteracts it by teaching kids how to surgically remove butterflies out of a sedated Hulk’s stomach.
And just wait until the big guy has to fill out his insurance paperwork. Hulk smash!
Sex and the City Trivia Game
by Cardinal Industries (Price: $24.99)
Remember that time the girls all drank cosmos and talked about their sex lives? What were they drinking? What were they talking about? ... Only 998 trivia questions to go.