"Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" (KASA-2 7 p.m.) As season No. 2 comes to a close, adults are wising up to the fact that we're not so smart after all. But we're certainly more dangerous than a fifth grader. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, genius kids.
"USA Basketball Pre-Olympic Game" (ESPN 6 p.m.) Last time around, the U.S. men's basketball team squeaked by with bronze—an embarrassing "honor" for the sport's mother country. Things are looking up for the Olympics in Beijing with MVPs Kobe, LeBron and Chris heading up the new national outfit, previewed in tonight's exhibition game.
Anaconda 3: The Offspring (Sci-Fi 11 p.m.) Sci-Fi rounds out a day of all-murderous-snake programming (Pythons 2, Boa vs. Python, Komodo vs. Cobra, King Cobra, Snake King, Basilisk: The Serpent King) with a new tele-film starring David Hasselhoff ... and John Rhys-Davies (Gimli from The Lord of the Rings). Nice casting.
"Mad Men" (AMC 8 p.m.) AMC's slickly subtle mid-century period drama is back for the second installment of its limited five-season run. (Each skips ahead two years. The series will eventually call it a night when it hits 1968.) This show's all about the art of the sell, and you'll relish buying into a time when men were The Boys, women were womanized, and drinking and smoking were as accepted as Visa and MasterCard are today.
"The Next Food Network Star" (Food 8 p.m.) Will the next face of Food Network be Martha Stewart-worshipping Lisa Garza, "Big Daddy" Aaron McCargo Jr. or Philly comedian Adam Gertler? It all comes down to this.
"Surviving Sharks" (Discovery 7 p.m.) Unlike Discovery Channel, it's always Shark Week here at the Alibi.
"The Recruiter" (HBO 10 p.m.) An Iraq War-era documentary that peers in to the life of Louisiana Sgt. First Class Clay Usie, who ranks among the most successful recruiters in the U.S. Army's history.
"Jurassic Fight Club" (History 7 p.m.) The debut episode of this bloodthirsty new program is called "Cannibal Dinosaurs." What more does History Channel have to do to convince you to tune in?
"Baby Borrowers: A Journey's End" (KOB-4 8 p.m.) Spoiler: The baby borrower's journey usually ends in jail.
"Lewis Black's Root of All Evil" (Comedy Central 11:30 p.m.) "Judge" Black opens up another can of mock court television. Tonight he'll preside as two comedian-barristers argue over which is more evil: ultimate fighting or bloggers. Whichever breed of douche bag enrages Black the most gets the gavel.