“Extreme Terror Rides: Mega Speed” (Travel 8 p.m.) “Extreme Terror” and “Mega Speed” aren’t really the sort of words I tend to seek out when I go to the amusement park. “On a Stick” is a perennial favorite, though.
I Saw What You Did (TCM 12:30 a.m.) Gimmick king William Castle (House on Haunted Hill, 13 Ghosts, The Tingler) directed this 1965 thriller about some teenagers who accidentally prank call a man who’s just murdered his wife. Stalking ensues. Look for Joan Crawford in a weird cameo.
National Lampoon’s European Vacation (Travel 6 p.m.) Travel Channel is really pushing the bounds of its overall premise by airing feature films on Saturday night. Technically, you do get to see a handful of foreign landmarks in this 1985 comedy, but it’s not even a good Vacation movie.
“The 2009 Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon” (KRQE-13 8:59 p.m.) Oh, yeah. You forget this still happens every year. Probably because you forget that Jerry Lewis is still alive.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (SyFy 7 p.m.) You will not be disappointed. Seriously. ... How could you?
“Half-Ton Mom” (TLC 7 p.m.) OK.
“Half-Ton Dad” (TLC 8 p.m.) Well ... .
“650-lb. Virgin” (TLC 9 p.m.) Personally, I blame mom and dad.
“Johnny Colt: At Full Volume” (Travel 7 p.m.) I probably shouldn’t ask, but why is the bassist from the Black Crowes in Thailand fighting in a Muay Thai boxing match?
“Mystery Diagnosis” (Discovery Health 8 p.m.) Tonight’s mysterious case? “The Woman Who Couldn’t Stop Burping.” ... Erm, yeah. I’m partially intrigued, but mostly grossed out. Oh, and the 8-year-old in me is laughing his ass off.
“Melrose Place” (KWBQ-19 8 p.m.) Like “Beverly Hills, 90210” before it, ’90s nighttime soaper “Melrose Place” returns to The CW with a cast of hot young stars (like Ashlee Simpson-Wentz). For you old-schoolers, Laura Leighton returns as Sydney—but, uh, don’t expect her to stick around long.
“Sons of Anarchy” (FX 11 p.m.) The second season of FX’s gunrunning biker gang drama gets underway. Honestly, I admire what cable TV’s doing these days—but between this and “Breaking Bad” and “Mad Men” are there any vaguely admirable characters anymore? It’s all Tony Soprano’s fault, isn’t it?
“America’s Next Top Model” (KRQE-13 7 p.m.) Another season? Already? Jeez, these women have the shelf life of unpasteurized milk.
“Glee” (KASA-2 8 p.m.) After a summer of teasing its advance pilot, FOX’s tuneful glee club sitcom returns to TV with the first official episode.
“The Day Before” (Sundance 11 p.m.) Sundance’s new series stalks fashion designers like Karl Lagerfeld and Jean Paul Gaultier in the hours leading up to their big fashion shows. On tonight’s premiere: Sonia Rykiel.