“The Vampire Diaries” (KWBQ-19 7 p.m.) A hunky yet sexually ambivalent-looking vampire falls in love with a shy, brunette high school girl, much to the distaste of his fellow immortals. ... Yeah, I didn’t like this when it was called Twilight.
Sonny Boy (TCM 12:30 a.m.) I suggest you move heaven and earth to see this utterly unique, thoroughly bizarre black comedy about a small-town crime boss and his transvestite “wife” (David Carradine!) who adopt an abandoned baby boy, cut out his tongue and raise him Tarzan-style in the desert Southwest. Believe it or not, this demented flick was shot right here in New Mexico.
“COPS” (KASA-2 7 p.m.) As FOX’s venerable reality show enters its 22nd season, producers would like to take this opportunity to remind Americans to keep stripping off their T-shirts and fleeing from police. If not for your drunken, seemingly inbred efforts, there would be no “COPS.”
“Robin Hood” (BBC America 7 p.m.) OK, so this lightweight BBC series isn’t as good as “Doctor Who” or “Torchwood” or “Primeval” or “Being Human” or “Hex” or even “The Sarah Jane Adventures,” but ... well, it’s the only sci fi / fantasy the network’s showing right now. Third season starts tonight.
Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins (Cartoon Network 8 p.m.) I’ve never really thought about it before now, but this live-action/CGI feature shows how the Mystery Inc. gang got started back in high school. Apparently, as a teen, Velma was a hot Asian chick.
“VMA ’09” (MTV 10 p.m.) The Video Music Awards? Gee, do you think anyone’s going to bring up Michael Jackson?
“Inside the Actors Studio” (Bravo 6 p.m.) Lemme get this straight, James Lipton: You’re interviewing the voicecast of “Family Guy”? Lauren Bacall, Paul Newman, Arthur Miller, Robert De Niro, Martin Scorsese, Meryl Streep and Sir Ian McKellen would like to have a word with you.
“The Jay Leno Show” (KOB-4 9 p.m.) I hope you like Jay Leno. A lot. Because he’s here, five nights a week in prime time.
“Kenny vs. Spenny” (Comedy Central 3:30 a.m.) Bless you, Comedy Central, for bringing Kenny and Spenny back to a TV wasteland filled with tasteless, “Jackass”-inspired stunt shows. Episodes like tonight’s “Who Can Wear a Gorilla Suit the Longest?” show us all just how inspired self-abuse can be.
“Shaq Vs.” (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) It’s the season finale and Shaq is going up against Michael Phelps. ... Wait, are they swimming or smoking dope? Seeing who can wear a gorilla suit the longest? Huh.
“The Beautiful Life: TBL” (KWBQ-19 8 p.m.) OK, I get that this drama is about vapid, sexed-up young models in N.Y.C. and stars the likes of Mischa Barton, Corbin Bleu and Elle Macpherson. But what’s with the superfluous text-speak right there in the title? Trust me, CW, if I was gonna Twitter my friends about this, I could probably work out the initials myself.