“The Ultimate Spike Girl Finale” (Spike TV 9 p.m.) I wonder who will be voted Spike TV’s new spokesmodel. I wonder what her duties will entail. I wonder if she’ll have an enormous rack. ... Actually, scratch that last one.
“Star Wars: The Clone Wars” (Cartoon Network 9 p.m.) I wasn’t a big fan of the first season, based on the “George Lucas raped my childhood” argument. However, this second season of the computer-animated toon promises more bounty hunter action. Always a good move.
“Stargate Universe” (SyFy 7 p.m.) The “gritty” version of “Stargate” (yeah, that’s what they said about “Star Trek: Enterprise”) launches with a two-hour pilot.
“SuperFetch” (Animal Planet 6 p.m.) People train their dogs to do crazy crap like bartend or go bowling or clean up the bathroom. Well, to be fair, when your entire network is built around animals, you’re bound to run out of ideas after a while.
“Celebrity Ghost Stories” (Biography 7 p.m.) What self-respecting ghost would haunt the likes of Scott Baio, Barry Williams and Teri Polo?
“America’s Funniest Home Videos” (ABC 6 p.m.) When this show premiered 20 seasons ago (!), people actually used 1/2” VHS tape recorders to capture family members getting hit in the nuts. Nowadays, we capture testicular blunt force trauma on our iPhones and post it directly to YouTube.
“Hoarders: Buried Alive” (TLC 6 p.m.) Yeah, this TLC special steals most of its thunder from A&E’s series “Hoarders.” Regardless, it does pretty succinctly spell out the inevitable fate of people who collect too much crap.
“My Monkey Baby” (TLC 7 p.m.) I don’t even want to ask.
“Three Rivers” (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) I don’t know anything at all about this generically titled new show, but I’m just gonna take a shot in the dark here. ... Is it a workplace drama about the personal and professional lives of doctors and nurses? ... Hey, bingo!
“Sherri” (Lifetime 5 p.m.) I know at least some of you have spent the last few years asking, “What the hell does Sherri Shepherd from ‘The View’ actually do?” Now you have an answer. She stars in this eponymous sitcom.
“18 Kids & Counting: 20 Years, 20 Duggars” (TLC 7 p.m.) Oh, good! The Duggars squirted out another kid. Kate Gosselin had better find another inseminator and get cracking if she wants to keep up.
“Ghost Lab” (Discovery 8 p.m.) It’s like “Ghost Hunters,” except ... Nope. I got nothing.
“Monster Bug Wars” (Discovery 8 p.m.) Who would win in a one-on-one battle royale: praying mantis, redback spider, giant centipede or king cricket? On the scale of nerdy arguments, this one clocks in just under the immortal Batman vs. Spider-Man.
“Secret Girlfriend” (Comedy Central 11:30 p.m.) This new series (stolen from the Web, apparently) features you, the viewer, as the first-person POV “star” of a TV dating show.