“Eagleheart” (Cartoon Network 1 a.m.) Chris Elliott (where you been, man?) returns in a live-action spoof of Chuck Norris’ “Walker, Texas Ranger.” His best work since “The Guy Under the Seats.”
“Super Bowl’s Greatest Commercials 2011” (KRQE-13 8 p.m.) Or as I like to call it, “CBS’ Laziest Programming Ideas 2011.”
“A Barbara Walters Special: A Matter of Life and Death” (KOAT-7 9 p.m.) Former President Bill Clinton, Robin Williams, David Letterman, Regis Phibin and Charlie Rose all discuss their experiences as heart patients. Dear God, I hope Williams doesn’t dredge up any of that Patch Adams schtick.
Smooch (Hallmark 7 p.m.) An English royal gets amnesia while in a park, and a girl brings him home, convincing her widowed mother that he is a nanny. ... Well, that doesn’t sound at all contrived.
“Puppy Bowl VII” (Animal Planet 1 p.m.) Sure, the Labradors are heavy favorites, but the chows are looking mighty adorable this year.
“Super Bowl XLV” (KASA-2 4 p.m.) The Packers vs. the Steelers vs. The Black Eyed Peas. (As I understand it, anyway.)
“Glee” (KASA-2 8:30 p.m.) The “Glee” kids take on Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”—which, after watching every flash mob in the world do that zombie dance only works as camp now.
“Inside the Actors Studio” (Bravo 5 p.m.) James Lipton returns with a one-hour special in which he interviews an actual freaking actor, Academy Award-nominated Colin Firth.
“The Chicago Code” (KASA-2 8 p.m.) A cop (Jason Clarke, “Brotherhood”) tackles big-city corruption in FOX’s new hour-long police drama. Jennifer Beals is in there somewhere. So that’s cool.
“Will Work for Nuts” (Nat Geo Wild 7 p.m.) Teams of “animal experts” attempt to charm worms, teach goldfish how to play soccer, fish for squirrels, taunt badgers and race slugs. ... Yeah, PETA ought to love this one.
“Only in America With Larry the Cable Guy” (History 7 p.m.) On the debut episode of this docu-reality series, redneck moron Larry the Cable Guy goes somewhere in the South to see how moonshine is made. Only in America, you say? I’m thinking Estonia dodged a bullet on this one.
“Traffic Light” (KASA-2 8:30 p.m.) A group of pals (the stereotype triumvirate of “the bachelor,” “the newlywed” and “the boring family guy”) navigate the complications of friendship and relationships in the big city. Oddly enough, this one’s an Americanized remake of an Israeli series.
“Mr. Sunshine” (KOAT-7 8:30 p.m.) Matthew Perry stars as the manager of a small-time sports arena. Huh. With Matt LeBlanc starring in “Episodes” over on Showtime, Courteney Cox headlining ABC’s “Cougar Town” and Lisa Kudrow doing her successful Internet series “Web Therapy,” the former “Friends” cast is doing pretty good for itself these days. Makes you wonder what happened to what’s-her-name, that Jennifer Aniston chick.