Tea party Republicans worship corporate apologist Ayn Rand—not that they’ve actually read any of her books. Now they don’t have to, thanks to this ridiculously cheapo adaptation of Rand’s talky sci-fi novel about choo-choo trains. Unfortunately, it’s hard to sympathize with characters who are constantly reminding you that sympathy is a sign of weakness.
This film opened to a perfect 0 percent positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes (landing it in the same category as Fred: The Movie). It lured an average of eight people per screening on its opening weekend. It also settled a long-standing debate. Nick Swardson: funny or not? Not, apparently.
Sure, there have been worse big-budget Hollywood films (any of the Transformers films, really), but this is a veritable template on how not to make a $200 million summer blockbuster. I’d take Batman & Robin over this colorless, logic-deficient origin story, which proves only one thing—it’s impossible to make Ryan Reynolds likable.
Adam Sandler gave up trying this year, surrendering to this sub-Martin-Lawrence vehicle in which he dresses up in drag to play identical (and identically annoying) twins. Seriously, what did we do as a nation to deserve this?
Tossing Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts into this sappy, wafer-thin slice of recession-era, middle aged uplift is the cinematic equivalent of a new Taco Bell special—you know, one of those inedible concoctions that sticks the same three ingredients together and slaps a made-up name on it. Larry Crowne: the enchirito of movies.
Valentine’s Day was bad enough, but this soulless sequel plays out like the screenwriters penned the poster tag lines and then went home. The only bright spark is the knowledge that director Gary Marshall and friends will run out of holidays soon. Nobody wants to see Martin Luther King Day.
As silly as the Twilight films have been, once-credible director Catherine Hardwicke’s blatant attempt to create another sexy supernatural saga (with werewolves!) is even more preposterous.
Robert Rodriguez is hereby banned from making any more kids’ movies.
What can I say? Haters gotta hate.
Amazingly, Sarah Palin still has fans among the tea party sympathizers, who donate millions every time she insinuates that she might maybe still kinda be running for president. But even her staunchest supporters didn’t show up for this bald-faced hagiography.