“Missing” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Sure, Taken was kind of an awesome action movie. But what if it starred Ashley Judd instead of Liam Neeson and was a TV series rather than a movie? That would be ... well, awesome isn’t the word I’d use.
“Warrior Graveyard” (National Geographic 6 p.m.) National Geographic knows where the bodies are buried—at least when it comes to historic battlegrounds.
“North Woods Law” (Animal Planet 7 p.m.) Can’t get enough of “Alaska State Troopers” or “Wild Justice”? Here’s more rural cop / game warden action.
“In Plain Sight” (USA 8 p.m.) The fifth (and final) season of the Albuquerque-lensed cop drama gets underway.
Chasing Leprechauns (Hallmark 6 p.m.) Hallmark Channel hasn’t met a holiday it can’t turn into a sappy romantic movie.
Leprechaun’s Revenge (Syfy 7 p.m.) Syfy, on the other hand, hasn’t met a holiday it can’t turn into a cheap horror movie. This one stars Billy Zane—who must walk around every day saying, “I was in Titanic, you know.”
“Frozen Planet” (Discovery/TLC 6 p.m.) From the Brits who gave us “Blue Planet” and “Planet Earth” comes another eye-candy nature series. This one’s about the chilly bits of our planet.
“House of Consignment” (VH1 7 p.m.) VH1’s newest docu-reality show is set in an “upscale” thrift store in Chicago. Apparently shows about people who do interesting things are totally passé.
“Dancing With the Stars” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) “Dancing With the Stars” and “Celebrity Apprentice” are notorious for introducing us to famous people none of us have ever heard of. This season’s most non-celeb celebrities: Roshon Fegan, Donald Driver, William Levy and Katherine Jenkins. All together now ... “Who?”
“Lucky Muckers” (National Geographic 6 p.m.) NGC digs (literally) into the history of London by dredging up centuries of mud from the River Thames.
“The River” (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) So, will ABC’s found-footage horror series actually end after eight episodes, or will they get greedy and find a way to drag it out for another season? Given the extremely mixed quality of these eight episodes, I hope they let it rest. Unlike that London mud.
“Auction Hunters: Live” (Spike 7 p.m.) What could be more exciting than watching people purchase and then root through abandoned storage lockers? Watching them do it live!
“Bent” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) A demanding, single female lawyer (movie actress Amanda Peet) hires a womanizing surfer dude contractor (David Walton from “Cracking Up” and “The Loop”) to remodel her kitchen. Sounds like somebody’s trying to rekindle a bit of that “Who’s The Boss?” magic.
“Duck Dynasty” (A&E 8 p.m.) A&E presents a docu-reality show about a family that runs a duck-call fabrication business. ... You win, Idiot Box. I can’t come up with a stupider idea for a TV show.