“Wipeout” (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) Tonight, the producers of “Wipeout” salute members of America’s armed forces ... by smacking them in the head with giant foam sledgehammers.
“20/20” (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) Tonight, “20/20” tackles the topic of “Heaven: Where Is It? How Do We Get There?” ... Well, thank God Chris Cuomo and Elizabeth Vargas are sorting this out for us.
“Coke Zero 400 at Daytona Powered by Coca-Cola” (TNT 5:30 p.m.) I would have thought sprint cars were powered by methanol. But apparently not.
“Man vs. Wolf” (Discovery 6 p.m.) If the “man” in question is Liam Neeson, I’m putting my money on man.
“Xtreme Waterparks” (Travel 6 p.m.) If you are not a kids’ toy or a soft drink manufactured in the ’90s, you should not be using the word “xtreme.”
“Big Ang” (VH1 7 p.m.) For those viewers who have been desperately waiting for the horrifyingly Harvey Fierstein-esque “Big Ang” from “Mob Wives” to get her own reality show, your inconceivable wishes are granted.
“Insane Coaster Wars” (Travel 7 p.m.) Personally, I wouldn’t recommend riding on any contraption built during the Insane Coaster Wars. Those were dark times. Dark times, my friend.
“Talking Dead” (AMC 7 p.m.) The new season doesn’t start for another couple of months, but AMC figures it’ll tease us with a one-off of Chris Hardwick’s post-show wrap-up featuring sneak previews, cast interviews and set visits.
“Bizarre Foods Celebrates 100” (Travel 6 p.m.) I’m not saying that, after 100 shows, host Andrew Zimmern has eaten a lot of penis ... but, well, he’s eaten a lot of penis.
“Opening Act” (E! 11 p.m.) A young female singer gets to live out her dream of becoming an opening act for Rod Stewart. ... Rod Stewart? Seriously? That’s her dream? Does she even know who Rod Stewart is?
“Trust Us With Your Life” (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) So ... this summer slot filler has celebrities like Serena Williams and the Osbournes describing family memories, which are then acted out by improvisational comedians.
“NY Med” (KOAT-7 9 p.m.) We may or may not have universal health care at this point, but at least we’ve got 24/7 reality shows broadcasting from our nation’s emergency rooms.
“Beverly Hills Nannies” (ABC Family 7 p.m.) As a member of the 99 percent, you may not be able to afford child care. But at least the people in Beverly Hills have telegenic young nannies. And at least those nannies have their own reality show. Isn’t that the American dream?
“Picked Off” (History 8 p.m.) How to make the “picking” genre—in which somebody buys and sells people’s old junk—fresh and new? How about turning it into a reality show competition? ... Nope, not enough.
“Cheer Perfection” (TLC 8 p.m.) Are you a fan of the “overweight women screaming at sexually exploited young dancers and their toxic stage mothers” genre? Here, TLC swaps out little girls (see: “Toddlers & Tiaras,” “Dance Moms”) for teenage cheerleaders. Oh yeah, that’ll make it less creepy.