Week in Sloth

The Week in Sloth

“Machines of Glory”

“Wives With Beehives” (TLC 8 p.m.) This special focuses on women who live like it’s the 1950s. You know, just like your grandma. Only with way more tattoos and a better rockabilly record collection.

“2012: A Year Out of Season” (Weather Channel 6 p.m.) OK, so the world didn’t end on Dec. 21. But does that mean we’re out of the woods? Can’t global warming still destroy us? Ask the Weather Channel.

“Teen Trouble” (Lifetime 8 p.m.) Think “The Dog Whisperer” but with kids.

“Heroes of Hell’s Highway” (Discovery 6 p.m.) It was only a matter of time before all those Alaskan truck driving shows made the move to Afghanistan.

“Food Court Wars” (Food 8 p.m.) You think Afghanistan is Hell? Try Hot Dog on a Stick.

Cave of Forgotten Dreams (History 8 p.m.) Werner Herzog’s gorgeous documentary about ancient French cave paintings comes to TV. Sadly, it’s no longer in 3D.

“Machines of Glory” (Discovery 4 p.m.) Backhoe, excavator and other heavy construction equipment operators go head-to-head in a reality-competition. Tonka lovers, take note.

“E! Investigates The Real 50 Shades of Grey” (E! 11:30 p.m.) What does it take to get E! fired up for some hardcore investigative journalism? A little softcore S&M.

“New Year’s Rockin’ Eve Celebrates Dick Clark” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Now that Dick Clark’s no longer available, ABC must settle for a two-hour prime-time tribute to the venerable host. Ryan Seacrest formally assumes the mantle of a Clark-free “Rockin’ Eve” around 9 p.m.

“NBC’s New Year’s Eve With Carson Daly” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) Carson Daly goes head-to-head with Ryan Seacrest. One guest he won’t have? Justin Bieber. Seacrest already snagged the dude.

“Andrew Dice Clay: Indestructible” (Showtime 8 p.m.) The Diceman, retired from standup comedy for ... pretty much his entire career, returns with a live special.

“New Year’s Eve Live!” (KASA-2 11 p.m.) Host Carmen Electra will be there. You know who won’t? PSY. Seacrest snagged him too.

“The Eric Andre Show: NYE Special” (Cartoon Network 12:30 a.m.) The surreal talk show gets an NYE special, which should be entertaining to watch while drunk on champagne.

“124th Tournament of Roses Parade” (KOB-4 9:30 a.m.) Primatologist Jane Goodall serves as this year’s grand marshal. No, really.

“Totally T-Boz” (TLC 6 p.m.) T-Boz, the member of TLC who isn’t dead (that was Left-Eye) and didn’t star in MTV’s “What Chilli Wants” (that was Chilli) gets her own reality show on ... TLC? How’s that for synchronicity?

“Diggers” (NGC 8 p.m.) Metal detector enthusiast get their own docu-reality show. Does this mean they’ll stop bugging us with their displays at the state fair?

“Mobbed” (KASA-2 7 p.m.) A woman honors her father, who made a living as a fire fighter, and her sister, who died in a car accident. By assembling a flash mob. Hosted by Howie Madel. I’m not sure “honors” is the right word.