Week in Sloth
“Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell” (Cartoon Network 1 a.m.) Formerly a song by The Stooges, now a live-action sitcom about office workers in hell.
“Blade Brothers” (Discovery 8 p.m.) Three brothers team up to design high-end custom blades for the knife industry (aka the coolest show ever, if you were 13).
Call Me Crazy: A Five Film (Lifetime 6 p.m.) Five interconnected tales of mental illness are directed by Laura Dern, Bonnie Hunt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ashley Judd and Sharon Maguire. Jennifer Hudson, Octavia Spencer, Melissa Leo, Sarah Hyland, Jean Smart, Lea Thompson, Melanie Griffith and Chelsea Handler star.
Mary & Martha (HBO 6 p.m.) After losing their sons to malaria, two women (Hilary Swank, Brenda Blethyn) dedicate their lives to helping others affected by the disease. Phillip Noyce (Patriot Games, The Quiet American) directs.
“Raising Whitley” (OWN 8 p.m.) I’ve never heard of actress Kym Whitley, who has provided voices for several animated TV series (“The Proud Family,” “Thugaboo,” “Black Dynamite: The Animated Series,” “Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law,” “The Boondocks,” “The Life & Times of Tim,” “The Cleveland Show”). But obviously, she deserves her own reality show.
“Dog and Beth: On the Hunt” (CMT 6 p.m.) Dog the Bounty Hunter and his freakishly top-heavy wife have escaped the confines of Hawaii and are hunting criminals across America. We’re sorry for whatever we did to piss you off, Hawaii.
Lovestruck: The Musical (ABC Family 6 p.m.) A dancer-turned-choreographer (Jane Seymour) gets mad when her dancer daughter quits Broadway to marry an Italian playboy. She tries to stop the wedding, but ends up drinking a magical elixir that turns her 30 years younger. That’s about when things get really silly. Also, Tom Wopat shows up.
Remember Sunday (KOAT-7 8 p.m.) A down-on-her-luck waitress (Alexis Bledel) meets a jewelry store clerk (Zachary Levi) whose memory gets erased every time he wakes up. Think Memento, only romantic.
“Guntucky” (CMT 10:30 p.m.) This new reality show about rednecks at a shooting range in Kentucky is ample proof that the NRA has won.
“I’m Married to a ...” (VH1 8 p.m.) Cousin, death row inmate, little person: Feel free to fill in the blank.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” (E! 11 p.m.) Have his agent land him a reality show first chance he got, obviously.
“Rectify” (Sundance 7 p.m.) From the producers of “Breaking Bad” comes this drama about a man who spends 19 years on death row for the rape and murder of his girlfriend—only to be set free on new DNA evidence. Yeah, this is gonna be an awkward homecoming.
“Teen Titans Go!” (Cartoon Network 8:30 p.m.) The awesome 2003-2006 superhero series returns in a slightly more comedic form.
“Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life” (MTV 12 a.m.) Singer-songwriter-white-girl-rapper Ke$ha is actually sort of famous. Why does she need a TV reality show?
“I Was Murdered” (ID 8 p.m.) Big deal. If you’re on ID, you were either murdered or did the murdering.