Week in Sloth
“Macy’s 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Little-known fact: Ryan Seacrest has the right of first refusal on any television hosting gig. If he passes, Nick Cannon gets sloppy seconds. Apparently Seacrest was busy tonight, because Cannon’s got this one. Along with wife Mariah Carey.
“A Capitol Fourth” (KNME-5 7 p.m.) For those ... um, older viewers for whom Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey is a frightening prospect, PBS offers up Tom Bergeron and Barry Manilow.
“Warlocks Rising” (Discovery 7 p.m.) Sadly the “Warlocks” of the title are not actual warlocks but a Florida motorcycle club. Think of this as the docu-reality show version of “Sons of Anarchy.” Only with less meth and rape. (We hope.)
“King” (Reelz 8 p.m.) Canadian television producers love summertime in the U.S. It’s the one time of the year when their cheap, overly polite, oddly accented TV shows have a shot at getting broadcast in America. Why, here’s one right now. It’s aboot a female detective (Amy Price-Francis) in Toronto, eh?
The Baby (TCM 12:15 a.m.) In this cult film from 1973, a social worker investigates a freaky family with two wicked, Barbie doll sisters and a 23-year-old “baby.”
“Bikinis & Boardwalks” (Travel 5 p.m.) It’s hot out there. The best thing we can do is stay inside under the swamp cooler and stare at some nice, cool ocean water. Travel Channel’s new beachside series takes us there.
“Get Out Alive With Bear Grylls” (KOB-4 8 p.m.) At some point Adam Richman, the guy on “Man v. Food,” gave up trying to eat 12-pound burritos and recruited some amateur “fans” to do the dirty work for him. Now survivalist Bear Grylls gives up drinking bear urine in the woods and enlists a bunch of “contestants” to do the survivaling for him.
“Dangerman: The Incredible Mr. Goodwin” (BBC America 8 p.m.) Jonathan Goodwin claims to combine the skills of “Houdini and Superman.” If those guys were dumb enough to dangle off the London Eye from a burning rope.
“God, Guns & Automobiles” (History 8 p.m.) Your prayers about a used car salesmen reality show have been answered.
“Ain’t That America With Lil Duval” (MTV2 9:30 p.m.) Standup comedian Lil Duval gives you a place to view all those viral videos of teenagers getting hit in the nuts and white girls twerking that you can already see on every other cable channel.
“The Bridge” (FX 11 p.m.) American remakes of Nordic crime thrillers are kind of a thing now (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, “The Killing”). Here’s a perfectly Americanized version of a Danish/Swedish TV series. A detective from El Paso and one from Juarez must work together when a judge is found dead on the bridge straddling the U.S./Mexico border.
“Camp” (KOB-4 9 p.m.) Rachel Griffiths (“Six Feet Under”) stars in this comedy-drama as a recently divorced woman trying to keep a rundown summer camp afloat.