Week in Sloth
“Project Runway All Stars” (Bravo 7pm) Past designers come back to compete. Alyssa Milano from “Who’s the Boss?” shows up to host.
“Secret Societies of Hollywood” (E! 9pm) Wanna know about all the underground sex clubs and ultra-exclusive parties you’ll never get into? Here’s your chance.
“Scrubbing In” (MTV 8pm) A group of sexy young friends travels to the O.C. to work as nurses in MTV’s newest “docu-drama.” So ... it’s “The Hills,” only with actual jobs.
“Dracula” (KOB-4 9pm) Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who played a sexy King Henry VIII, plays a sexy Vlad the Impaler in this silly reboot of Bram Stoker’s famous novel. Believe it or not, he’s the good guy, battling an evil secret society alongside his pal Van Helsing (Thomas Kretschmann, who played the bloodsucker in Dracula 3D).
The Hunters (Hallmark 6pm) Hallmark goes Syfy with this film (adapted from a comic book) about two brothers who discover they are descendants of an ancient order dedicated to finding and protecting magical objects. Think “Supernatural” meets “Warehouse 13.”
The Good Witch’s Destiny (Hallmark 7pm) Catherine Bell returns for her annual paycheck in the sixth film in Hallmark’s supernaturally romantic “Good Witch” series.
Zombie Night (Syfy 7pm) What the hell are Daryl Hannah, Anthony Michael Hall and Shirley Jones doing in this crap Syfy movie?
“Doctor Who: The Doctors Revisited” (BBC America 6pm) David Tennant, arguably the most popular incarnation of The Doctor, gets his own anniversary special.
“The Governor’s Wife” (A&E 8pm) Edwin Edwards is the 86-year-old former governor of Louisiana. In 2001 he was indicted on 17 counts of racketeering, extortion, money laundering, mail fraud and wire fraud. He served 10 years in prison. Now he’s landed himself a 34-year-old trophy wife and a reality TV show. Ah, American justice.
“Metalocalypse: The Doomstar Requiem—A Klok Opera” (Cartoon Network 1am) This one-hour rock opera chronicles the cartoon death metal band’s efforts to rescue their guitarist from conspiratorial kidnappers.
“Guy’s Family Cruise” (Food 7pm) Who wouldn’t want to spend seven days on a Carnival cruise ship with Guy Fieri? There’s a good chance it could catch on fire or sink or something.
“Naked Vegas” (Syfy 8pm) How to explain this? There are these artists who paint “costumes” on naked people’s bodies. Professionally. Yup, this is a reality show about professional body painters.
“American Humane Association Hero Dog Awards 2013” (Hallmark 6pm) Eh, the speeches are pretty boring. I’ll just tune in to tomorrow’s “Fashion Police” to see who wore what.