Week in Sloth

“Turbo FAST” on Netflix

“Saturday Night Live Christmas” (KOB-4 8pm) You’ve seen them all before. Put this on as background and glance up occasionally at your favorites.

“Myth Hunters” (Military 8pm) Military Channel goes hunting for legendary objects: the Temple of Solomon, the body of King Arthur, that kinda stuff. In tonight’s premiere: Hitler and the Spear of Destiny. Sounds about as findable as Bigfoot.

“A Very Merry Gypsy Christmas” (TLC 8pm) Your favorite stars of “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” (does that phrase even make sense?) reunite for some winter-wonderland-themed wedding parties. Damn those gypsies like to get married.

“20/20: The Year” (KOAT-7 8pm) What the hell happened in 2013? I can’t remember either. Thank God “20/20” is here to remind us.

“I Love Lucy Christmas Special” (KRQE-13 8pm) CBS gives us a holiday flashback with newly colorized episodes of “I Love Lucy.” We get the Ricardos and the Mertz’ celebrating Christmas, of course. Plus we get that classic episode where Lucy goes to Rome and stomps grapes. And now they’ll be grape-colored!

“Christmas in Washington 2013” (TNT 9pm) Oh, great: Republicans ranting about the war on Christmas, Democrats waffling about how to subsidize “green” technology and tea partiers trying to shut the whole thing down because of government overspending. Hey, at least the Backstreet Boys will be singing.

“Christmas with the Aquabats!” (The Hub, 11am) Wacko superheroes/alternative rock band The Aquabats ring in the holidays with some tunes—and then they probably fight some giant rubber monsters. That’s my kinda Christmas.

“I Am Britney Jean” (E! 9pm) E! has largely ignored poor Britney Spears lately in favor of some younger, crazier, more current pop stars. But the girl’s got an album coming out, so why not throw her a bone?

“My Cat From Hell: Hell-iday Special” (Animal Planet 7pm) What do you do when your cat pees all over your Christmas presents? Call hipster kitty whisperer Jackson. And make a holiday special out of it.

“Turbo FAST” (Netflix whenever) That movie you didn’t watch in which Ryan Reynolds played a really fast snail gets a TV series spin-off. On Netflix. Yeah, Netflix really wishes that thing had been more of a hit.

“The Sound of Music Live” (KOB-4 7pm) NBC yanks the traditional Christmas Eve airing of It’s a Wonderful Life in order to rebroadcast The Sound of Music. No longer live. Carrie Underwood is still a lousy actor, though.

“Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas” (KOAT-7, 7pm) Once again I must urge you to watch the classic 1966 animated special, but please change the channel before the hideous 2000 remake with Jim Carrey comes on at 7:30pm.

See “Idiot Box” above.