“Sirens” (USA 8pm) Denis Leary—creator of the fire fighter drama “Rescue Me”—sticks with first responders, but switches to pure comedy with this Chicago-based sitcom about EMT workers.
“Saint George” (FX 10pm) Good news! (Depending on how much you love George Lopez.) George Lopez is back! Here he plays a rich Los Angeles businessman with an 11-year-old son, an “all-American Anglo” ex-wife, an “overbearing Mexican-American” mother and a “fun-loving but freeloading” uncle. Also he gives back to the community by teaching at a multicultural classroom in downtown Los Angeles, where he’s supervised by a “tough and sexy” assistant principal. I can already hear the laugh track.
“Review with Forrest MacNeil” (Comedy Central 11pm) Comedian Forrest MacNeil applies a Yelp-like online rating system to things in the real world. On tonight’s premiere, for example, he “rates” stealing, addiction and prom.
“Star Wars: The Clone Wars” (Netflix Anytime) Cartoon Network (for whatever crazy reason) decided not to air the final, sixth season of “Clone Wars.” Thankfully Netflix comes to the rescue.
The Trip to Bountiful (Lifetime 6pm) Last year Steel Magnolias got an African-American makeover courtesy of Lifetime. Then About Last Night... returned with Kevin Hart in place of John Belushi. Now this 1985 drama starring Geraldine Page, John Heard and Rebecca De Mornay gets recast with Cicely Tyson, Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams. Watch out, Less Than Zero. Martin Lawrence has got his eye on you.
“Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey” (KASA-2 8pm) FOX, of all places, revives Carl Sagan’s old astronomy show with Neil deGrasse Tyson in the pilot’s seat.
“Resurrection” (KOAT-7 8pm) Somehow this supernatural drama and the eerie French TV series “The Returned” (recently broadcast on Sundance) are not based on the same source material. Both just coincidentally center on small towns where long-dead citizens are suddenly reappearing—
“Lindsay” (OWN 8pm) Lindsay Lohan gets her own reality show. We all knew it would come down to this, didn’t we?
“Online Dating Rituals of the American Male” (Bravo 8pm) What’s worse than online dating? Watching people date online.
“Believe” (KOB-4 9pm) J.J. Abrams (Star Trek) and Alfonso Cuarón (Gravity) are behind this sci-fi/supernatural series about a little girl born with incredible telekinetic and telepathic powers.
“24 Hours on Earth” (BBC America 7pm) The Beeb’s new nature series examines the titular time period across the titular location.
“From Dusk Till Dawn” (El Rey 7pm) Filmmaker Robert Rodriguez just launched this network. What else would he show, other than a TV series based on his 1996 vampire stripper movie?
“Chrisley Knows Best” (USA 8pm) Who the hell is Todd Chrisley? No idea. But he’s got five kids, and he “micromanages his family just like his business.” So naturally he deserves a reality show.
“My Big Fat Geek Wedding” (Syfy 8pm) It took Syfy 12 years to come up with this obvious pun?
“Funny or Die’s Bill on the Street” (Fuse 9pm) Comedian Billy Eichner asks New Yorkers several rounds of “outrageous” trivia questions.