Week in Sloth
“Project Runway” (Lifetime 7pm) “Project Runway” starts off its 13th season with reality TV’s most annoying new trend. It’s the “you aren’t really competing on the show yet” episode, in which contestants must compete against one another. On the show. To earn a spot to compete against one another on the show. But, really, you aren’t actually on the show. Even though we’re showing this on the first episode of the show.
“Bride By Design” (TLC 8pm) TLC has never met a wedding dress, wedding planner or wedding cake it wasn’t unreasonably obsessed with.
Oh! What a Lovely War (TLC 10:15pm) Ralph Richardson, Laurence Olivier, John Gielgud, John Mills, Vanessa Redgrave, Michael Redgrave, Maggie Smith and Ian Holm (that’s a lot of Sirs and Dames) star in this 1969 adaptation of the satirical stage musical about World War I.
The Choking Game (Lifetime 6pm) Never one to let a parent-terrifying headline pass them by, Lifetime makes a sensationalized movie out of 2005’s dumbest teen craze: oxygen-
Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (Syfy 7pm) Say that five times fast.
“Phineas & Ferb: Star Wars” (Disney 10pm) Summer break-loving mid-schoolers Phineas & Ferb reenact the plot of Star Wars. Why? Because Disney now owns George Lucas’ franchise. Corporate synergy, everybody!
“Finding Bigfoot: Biggest Search Yet” (Animal Planet 6pm) The Bigfoot Hunters head to “Skinwalker Canyon” in New Mexico for this two-hour special. “Finding Bigfoot: Biggest Most Disappointing Search Yet.” There. I fixed that title for ya.
“Sharkmania: The Top 15 Biggest Baddest Bloodiest Bites” (Syfy 7pm) Syfy, in some sort of feeding frenzy over the premiere of Sharknado 2, gathers a bunch of “celebrities” to discuss their favorite shark movie scenes.
“The 2014 Young Hollywood Awards” (KWBQ-19 7pm) Kelly Osbourne hosts. Trey Songz performs. So, somewhere between the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards and the People’s Choice Awards.
“Running Wild with Bear Grylls” (KOB-4 7pm) Wanna see celebrities like Zac Efron pretend to survive in the woods with Bear Grylls? Here’s your chance.
“Raising Asia” (Lifetime 8pm) Little Asia Monet Ray from “Dance Moms” and “Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition” gets her own docu-reality series. (Finally!) Mom’s a model, and dad’s a bodybuilder. So it’s kinda the alternate reality version of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”
“Penn & Teller: Fool Us” (KWBQ-19 7pm) Penn & Teller star in this British reality competition for magicians. If neither Penn nor Teller are able to explain how a particular trick is performed, aspiring magicians will win a trip to Las Vegas to open for the duo at the Rio Hotel & Casino.
Sharknado 2: The Second One (Syfy 7pm) Ian Ziering and Tara Reid return (minus Shannen Doherty) for the sequel to Syfy’s surprise goofball hit. Willingly tarnishing their good reputations on this go-around are Vivica A. Fox and Mark McGrath. ... Well, Vivica A. Fox had a good reputation anyway.