Week in Sloth
“The Quest” (KOAT-7 7pm) From the producers of The Lord of the Rings trilogy and “The Amazing Race” comes this reality show competition that—you guessed it!—combines Lord of the Rings and “The Amazing Race.” Contestants are forced to complete various “Survivor”-style tasks while dressed as elves and crap.
The Honorable Woman (Sundance 11pm) In this British miniseries/spy thriller, a powerful businesswoman (Maggie Gyllenhaal) inherits her father’s company and goes from manufacturing arms to laying data cables between Israel and the West Bank in an attempt to stem conflicts between Palestinians and Israelis. Apparently somebody doesn’t like the idea, because she’s soon embroiled in an international murder plot.
“David Tutera’s CELEBrations” (WE 7pm) David Tutera plans weddings for famous celebrities like ... Taylor Armstrong, former housewife on “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Oh, so they’re using the “Dancing With the Stars” definition of celebrity.
“Curvy Brides” (TLC 8pm) Not an internet fetish site but another wedding-
Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda (Syfy 7pm) Go to bed, Syfy. You’re drunk.
“WWE WrestleMania 30: The World Television Premiere” (KOB-4 9pm) Yes, it’s time for another pop-cultural milestone to remind you how damn old you’re getting.
“Tosh.0: Shart Week” (Comedy Central, 9pm) The Comedy Central wags parody Syfy’s just-ended Shark Week promo with their “Shart Week” promo, spotlighting the most scatological episodes of “Tosh.0,” “South Park,” “Workaholics,” “Chappelle’s Show,” “Key & Peele” and more. Tune in every night at 9 for more. It all culminates next Saturday with an 11 1/2 hour “brick” of poop-themed programming.
“Bachelor in Paradise” (KOAT-7 7pm) Hoping to keep them off the streets and away from normal people, ABC reunites “memorable stars and villains” from past seasons of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” and sends them to an isolated romantic paradise for a second shot at love.
“King of Cones” (Food Network 6pm) There’s every other kind of reality cooking competition on TV. Why not one focused entirely on ice cream?
“Partners” (FX 10pm) An elitist corporate shyster (Kelsey Grammer) is partnered (thanks to a wacky court order) with a pro bono street lawyer (Martin Lawrence) for weekly legal shenanigans.
“Celebrity Legacies” (Reelz 8pm) This muckraking but addictive-sounding documentary series profiles stars who have passed away at a young age and then identifies the people who fought over and/or claimed the star’s inheritance. In tonight’s premiere, we find out who made big bucks off James Gandolfini’s death.
“Skin Wars” (Game Show Network 7pm) Rebecca Romijn—who played Mystique in X-Men and knows a thing or two about the subject—hosts this reality competition featuring body-painting artists. If you loved Syfy’s “Naked Vegas” ... you’ll find this very similar.