Week in Sloth
“Wayward Pines” (KASA-2 8pm) If this twisty sci-fi mystery about a Secret Service agent (Matt Dillon) trapped in a creepy, secret-filled small town sounds an awful lot like The Village crossed with “Twin Peaks,” that’s because it’s produced by The Village writer-director M. Night Shyamalan.
“Pontoon Payday” (CMT 8pm) What happens when you combine drunk rednecks, lake vacations, trivia contests and “Fear Factor”? This, apparently. Comedian Frank Nicotero ambushes hard-partying boaters and asks them a bunch of questions. If they get ’em right, they win money (to continue partying with). If they get ’em wrong, they have to eat worms or something.
“Is Your Dog a Genius?” (Nat Geo Wild 8pm) I don’t know your dog. I’ve never met him. I’m sure he’s a very nice dog. But I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say, “no.”
Bessie (HBO 6pm) Queen Latifah tackles the role of blues legend Bessie Smith, who rose to fame in the 1920s. Khandi Alexander, Mike Epps, Oliver Platt, Charles S. Dutton and Mo’Nique costar in this musical biopic.
Gourmet Detective (Hallmark Movie Channel 7pm) Apparently, Hallmark has decided it’s now the “offbeat, non-police crime-solving network.” Following up on their garage sale murder mystery and their chocolate chip cookie mystery comes this gourmet chef murder mystery.
“Isabella Rossellini’s Green Porno Live!” (Bravo 6pm) The Italian actress’ one-woman show—in which she reenacts the sex lives and mating habits of various insects and animals—is weird, creepy, informative and entertaining. In that exact order.
“2015 Billboard Music Awards” (KOAT-7 7pm) Ludacris and Chrissy Teigen (“Ludachrissy,” if you will) host. Scheduled performers include Fall Out Boy, Wiz Khalifa, Hozier, Nick Jonas and Sam Smith.
“I Love Lucy Superstar Special” (KRQE-13 7pm) Everybody loves Lucy. But nothing says “the regular season is over” like rebroadcasts of 60-year-old TV episodes. On the plus side, Lucy does meet William Holden, Eve Arden and Superman in these episodes.
“Submissive Wives’ Guide to Marriage” (TLC 7pm) Don’t blame me. I didn’t come up with the title.
“Mad Men” (AMC 8pm) It’s time to bid farewell to TV’s most stylish flashback with the series finale. I’m actually starting to think that Don might get out of this whole thing without committing suicide.
“Serial Killer Tiger at Large” (Animal Planet 6pm) You know, just in case you don’t have enough things to be afraid of in this world. Now you’re picturing a man-eating tiger in a hockey mask.
“Troy: Street Magic” (Syfy 8pm) Thank goodness there’s a place now for magicians who want to dress like frat boys.
“500 Questions” (KOAT-7 7pm) Apparently, somebody thought NBC’s “The Million Second Quiz” wasn’t interminable enough. So here’s a quiz show in which people have to answer 500 freaking questions in a row in order to score some dough.
“Late Show with David Letterman” (KRQE-13 10:35pm) Letterman, who’s been a fixture on late-night television since 1982, signs off for the final time tonight.