Alibi V.24 No.39 • Sept 24-30, 2015 

Idiot Box

Fall (Out)

Five new shows you couldn’t pay me to watch

The new fall TV season is upon us. While there are a handful of shows potentially worth getting excited over (“The Muppets,” “The Expanse,” “The Player”), there are plenty whose names you shouldn’t even bother to remember—because they’ll be gone in a matter of weeks. Of course, it’s a bad idea to judge a book by its cover. And maybe it’s true you shouldn’t dismiss a TV show based on its premise alone. But what’s the worst that could happen? Potentially missing out on a TV show that isn’t a total waste of 30 to 60 minutes of your life? I’ll take that risk. Let the judgment commence!

“Chicago Med” (NBC)—From the makers of “Chicago Fire” (a show I’ve never watched) and “Chicago P.D.” (another show I’ve never watched) comes “Chicago Med” (which I will not be watching either). It’s not like we need another medical drama on TV. And this one is as generic as humanly possible—starting with that forgettable freaking title! Next up from these single-minded TV geniuses: “Chicago Animal Control.”

“Grandfathered” (FOX)—Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t bring myself to love John Stamos in an unironic way. In this alternately silly and heartwarming sitcom, the former “Full House” hunk stars as a playboy restauranteur who suddenly discovers he’s got a fully grown son (yawn) and a cute little baby granddaughter to boot (double yawn). If you close your eyes, you can already imagine all the stinky diaper-changing jokes to come.

“Rosewood” (FOX)—The only thing TV loves more than a police detective is a forensic examiner. CBS has got the CSI stuff locked up. So FOX offers Morris Chestnut as a private pathologist-for-hire who solves crimes. Like that’s a real thing. He’s Quincy M.E. and Han Solo all rolled into one. And since he lives in Miami, he can take his shirt off a lot.

“Rush Hour” (CBS)—Remember the Rush Hour movies, three loudly hyped mismatched buddy cop comedies made bearable by the presence of stars Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker? Well, what if we took away Chan and Tucker and replaced them with cheap imitations? Welcome John Foo (from Tekken!) and Justin Hires (from Stomp the Yard!). This action comedy is not supposed to arrive until midseason. With any luck, it’ll get stuck in traffic.

“Truth Be Told” (NBC)—Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Tone Bell play the husbands in this by-the-number sitcom (formerly titled “People Are Talking”). It’s supposed to be about how people are too politically correct to tell the truth when they’re not in private. But it’s mostly about two henpecked husbands who don’t get to deliver their “edgy” punchlines until their wives walk out of the room. Throw this on the pile next to NBC’s “1600 Penn,” “Go On,” “The Michael J. Fox Show,” “Outsourced,” “The Paul Reiser Show,” “Perfect Couples,” “Sean Saves the World,” “Up All Night,” “Welcome to the Family” and “Whitney.”