Week in Sloth
“The Pizza Show” (Viceland 9pm) Viceland travels across the country looking for great pizza. Well, I guess you’ve got to find something to do after putting together an episode of “Weediquette.”
The Perfect Stalker (Lifetime 6pm) I’m so relieved you’ve returned to your normal self after the holidays, Lifetime. There’s no way you could compete in the Christmas rom-com category against Hallmark anyway. Please continue coming up with new ways to alarm suburban housewives.
“Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest 2017” (KOAT-7 7pm) Seacrest, as always, fills in for the long-absent Dick Clark. I mean, who else is gonna take care of Mariah Carey on New Year’s?
“A Toast to 2016!” (KOB-4 7pm) Kathie Lee Gifford and Hota Kotb tip one back in salute to 2016. Frankly, this year didn’t deserve it.
“Late Night With Seth Meyers New Year’s Eve Special” (KOB-4 9pm) Seth rings in the new year by allowing guests Jennifer Lawrence, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kelly Clarkson to plug their latest projects.
“Pitbull’s New Year’s Revolution” (KASA-2 11pm) Your mom’s favorite rapper welcomes Biz Markie, Coolio, Rob Base, Tone Loc, Salt-N-Pepa and Young MC to Miami for the holiday. What, no love for Vanilla Ice?
“NBC’s New Year’s Eve With Carson Daly” (KOB-4 11:30pm) Carson and former Spice Girl Mel B. countdown to 2017 with the help of Alicia Keys, Pentatonix, Blake Shelton and Jennifer Lopez.
A Rose For Christmas (Hallmark 6pm) For pity’s sake, Hallmark! Christmas was a week ago. Can we lay off the holiday rom-coms already?
“The Mick” (KASA-2 7pm) Kaitlin Olson (“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”) stars as a horrible alcoholic who suddenly finds herself in charge of her rich sister’s stuck-up kids.
“Ransom” (KRQE-13 7pm) A hostage negotiator and his team save lives using insight into criminal behavior. That sounds ... generic. Generic enough for a CBS crime show, anyway.
“Sherlock on Masterpiece” (KNME-5 8pm) Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman return for a fourth season of the popular PBS crime series.
“The 128th Tournament of Roses Parade” (KOB-4 9:30am) Al Roker and Hota Kotb (hopefully no longer suffering from her New Year’s hangover) host the annual parade of flower-covered floats.
“The New Celebrity Apprentice” (KOB-4 7pm) Donald Trump is off doing God knows what, so Arnold Schwarzenegger takes over. Apparently celebrities compete in business challenges in hopes of apprenticing with Mr. Schwarzenegger doing ... What’s the premise of this show again?
“Beyond” (Freeform 7pm) A young man (Burkely Duffield from “House of Anubis”) wakes up from a 12-year coma to find he has gained mysterious supernatural abilities. And a weekly TV show, evidently.
“The Dengineers” (Discovery Family 5pm) The what now? It’s a reality show about people who design “dream dens for children”? ... To be fair, TV ran out of original titles years ago. It’s all just scrambling letters these days.
“Vivica’s Black Magic” (Lifetime 8:02pm) Vivica A. Fox stars in yet another boring celebrity reality show in which the actress ... auditions strippers for her new business venture, an all-black exotic male revue. Huh. I stand corrected.