Week in Sloth
“American Ninja Warrior: Celebrity Ninja Warrior” (KOB-4 7pm) Stephen Amell (“Arrow”), Derek Hough (“Dancing With the Stars”), Erika Christensen (“Parenthood”), Natalie Morales (“Today”) and Mena Suvari (American Pie) are among the celebrities trying (and, I’m guessing, failing) on the obstacle course.
“Beat Shazam” (KASA-2 7pm) Not the DC Comics superhero formerly known as Captain Marvel, but the music identification service. Basically, this is “Name That Tune”—only with a cell phone app instead of a human opponent.
“Love Connection” (KASA-2 8pm) Andy Cohen replaces Chuck Woolery in this dating show reboot. For some odd reason I’d rather lick a battery than discuss my sex life with Andy Cohen.
“Red Nose Day” (KOB-4 9pm) Ordinary people are encouraged to wear red clown noses while celebrities (Chris Hardwicke, the cast of Love Actually) do some skits on TV and encourage you to donate to charity.
“Cyrus vs. Cyrus” (Bravo 11:15pm) Thanks to the transitive property of fame, Miley Cyrus’ mom and stepsister get their own docu-reality show in which they go head-to-head each week in an interior design competition.
“The Incredible Hulk” (El Rey 2pm) Looking for an excuse not to leave the couch all weekend? El Rey is running an “Incredible Hulk” marathon featuring all five seasons, all 83 episodes. See you 2am on Tuesday.
War Machine (Netflix streaming anytime) Netflix ups its original movie game, snapping up Brad Pitt’s new film instead of letting it go to theaters. In this absurdist war comedy, Pitt plays a US general on a roller-coaster rise and fall.
Tom Felton Meets the Superfans (Freeform 10:30pm) Capping off a day of Harry Potter movies is this documentary in which actor Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy) travels around the world meeting Harry Potter fans to find out what makes them tick.
Sinister Minister (Lifetime 6pm) Lifetime comes up with another career to add to the “Sinister Suburban Characters Who Will Kill You” list.
“America: Promised Land” (History 7pm) This two-part series traces the history of immigration in America, from Colonial times to today.
Michael Jackson: Searching For Neverland (Lifetime 6pm) Lifetime unleashes another sensationalized pop music biopic, this one about Michael Jackson’s unusual “devotion” to children.
“Still Star-Crossed” (KOAT-7 9pm) Super-producer Shonda Rhimes (“Grey’s Anatomy,” “Private Practice,” “”Scandal,” “How to Get Away With Murder”) dumps modern-day doctors, politicians and lawyers for a trip back to ancient Italy with this “sequel” to Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.
“World of Dance” (KOB-4 9pm) Summer TV? Sounds like the perfect place for another reality dance competition.
“Big Star Little Star” (USA 7pm) This new game show pits celebrities against their offspring to see how much they know about their family members. Celebrities include Todd and Grayson Chrisley, Marissa Jaret and Zev Winokur, and Chad and Cha’iel Johnson. Good thing I’m not competing, because I know nothing about those people.
“The F Word with Gordon Ramsay” (KRQED-2 8pm) Another cooking competition with shouty host Gordon Ramsay? Sure, why not. Throw it on the pile over there.