Week in Sloth
“Rumsfeld's Rules of War” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Creepy Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld gets his own one-hour biography on ABC. Maybe, if we're lucky, they'll take us on a tour of the coffin he sleeps in during the day.
“Clone Wars” (Cartoon Network 9 p.m.) CN finally gets around to launching the final 10 episodes of its animated Star Wars micro-series. Starting at 9 p.m., you can catch the first five episodes. The next five launch at 10. At 10:30, you get to see the brand new chapter 11. The final episodes play out over the next few nights. Chances are this Genndy (“Dexter's Laboratory”) Tartakovsky cartoon is gonna be better than Star Wars III, so enjoy it while you can.
“Spam Cook-Off” (Food Network 7 p.m.) Celebrated chefs from around the globe gather to give culinary praise to that mysterious meat in a metal can—Spam! Spam tacos, Spam kabobs, Spam and eggs, Spam Wellington ... Gosh, the list is endless. I can only imagine what creative culinary concoction will claim this year's top prize.
“Miracle Foods of the Bible” (Food Network 7 p.m.) I bet you didn't think Food Network could find a way to jump on that Mel Gibson Passion bandwagon. Well, they did. Here, Food Network shows us how to cook up all those miraculous fishes, loaves and wines. It's followed at 8 p.m. by “Ancient Recipes: Foods of Bible Times.”
Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fleiss (USA 7 p.m.) Jamie-Lynn DiScala (Meadow on “The Sopranos”) stars in this trashy (we can only hope) biopic about notorious Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss. The now “rehabilitated” Fleiss was not involved in the making of this TV pic, as she is producing her own version of the story. Fleiss, who obviously has an inflated self-image, wants Nicole Kidman to play her in the feature film version. ... Dream on there, Heidi.
The One (FX 9 p.m.) This 2001 Jet Li film in silly as hell and features one of the most convoluted stories ever created for a cheesy action flick. Li, you see, is a small-town sheriff stalked by his alternate self from a parallel universe, who's moving dimension by dimension killing off other versions of himself in order to absorb their energy, thereby becoming the most powerful being in creation. What it all boils down to is Jet Li trying to kick his own ass, which is mightily entertaining. Even more so that Jean-Claude Van Damme trying to kick his own ass in Replicant (which also, suspiciously, came out in 2001).
Mousier Verdoux (TCM 7 p.m.) TCM wraps up its month-long tribute to the Little Tramp with another night of Charlie Chaplin memorabilia. The highlight of the evening is this 1947 oddity. For starters, it's one of Chaplin's few “talkies.” It's also based on an idea by Orson Welles. Finally, the plot casts Chaplin as a suave French bank clerk who supports his family by marrying and murdering rich ladies. It was a big flop at the time it came out (gee, I wonder why), but is considered a pretty interesting black comedy these days.
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