ABC—Best Show: “Desperate Housewives” (Sundays 8 p.m.) A colorful cast (Teri Hatcher, Nicolette Sheridan, Felicity Huffman) and strong buzz say this mean-spirited nighttime soap (narrated by a dead housewife) could be the water cooler show of the season. Worst Show: “Wife Swap” (Wednesdays 9 p.m.), in which ABC rips off FOX's “Trading Spouses,” or “The Benefactor” (Mondays 7 p.m.), in which ABC rips off “The Apprentice”: You decide. Strangest Show: “Lost” (Wednesdays 7 p.m.) “Alias” creator J.J. Abrams tells a tale of plane crash victims struggling to survive on a tropical island. It's basically “Survivor” with a script.
NBC—Best Show: “Joey” (Thursdays 7 p.m.) Or at least it had better be. There's an awful lot riding on this “Friends” spin-off. Worst Show: “Medical Investigation” (Fridays, 9 p.m.) This is such a blatant rip-off of “CSI” that it will almost certainly die an early death. Strangest Show: “Father of the Pride” (Tuesdays, 8 p.m.) I still can't get over the fact that NBC is paying $2 million an episode to show us the computer-animated adventures of the Las Vegas lions who tried to eat Roy of Siegfried & Roy fame.
CBS—Best Show: “Center of the Universe” (Wednesdays 8:30 p.m.) It's your basic working class family sitcom, but the cast (John Goodman, Jean Smart, Ed Asner, Olympia Dukakis) is loaded with ringers. Worst Show: “CSI: New York” (Wednesdays 9 p.m.) This may turn out to be well-written and well-acted, but CBS has gone one spin-off over the line here. Strangest Show: “Clubhouse” (Tuesdays 8 p.m.) A 16-year-old kid becomes a batboy for a professional New York baseball team. Is there really a lot of drama in the life of a batboy?
FOX—Worst Shows: Every single new FOX show is a reality show. Take your pick: “The Partner” (Sundays, 8 p.m.) A group of “street smart” lawyers competes against a group of “Ivy League” lawyers for a job at a prestigious law firm; “The Swan 2” (Mondays 8 p.m.) More pathetic gals with low self-esteem get plastic surgery; “The Billionaire” (Tuesdays 7 p.m.) Fox rips off “The Apprentice” with Virgin Records richie Richard Branson.
UPN—Best?: “Veronica Mars” (Tuesdays 8 p.m.) A 17-year-old high school girl who's also a private detective in a wealthy seaside community? It's the best UPN has to offer. Worst?: “Kevin Hill” (Wednesdays 8 p.m.) Taye Diggs stars as a rich playboy who suddenly inherits his cousin's cutesy-poo baby daughter. This sucked when it was called Raising Helen.
The WB—Best?: “Drew Carey's Green Screen” (Thursdays 7:30 p.m.) “Whose Line is It Anyway?” used to be funny. Maybe on a new network it will perk up. Worst?: “Commando Nanny” (Fridays 7:30 p.m.) It's a reality series. Use your imagination.
