Alibi V.14 No.5 • Feb 3-9, 2005 

Gastrological Forecast

Have you seen this new thing where they're selling packets of Crystal Light drink powder next to bottled water at convenience stores? What an interesting idea. I suppose they're marketing the single-serving tubes of Peach Tea and Raspberry Ice to thirsty women dieters who are already familiar with the Crystal Light non-carbonated, low-calorie beverage concept, trying to get them to drink Raspberry Ice water instead of plain old Aquafina. I see only two problems: First, they already sell Crystal Light beverages in plastic bottles, right next to Aquafina. Second, you'd have to drink Raspberry Ice-flavored Crystal Light. Why choose artificially-flavored water over water-flavored water? If I want my water to be exciting, I'll have a half-dressed 22-year-old weight-lifter spank me while I drink it. You'd think these marketing geniuses could use their time more wisely. Why can't they make beer crystals and sell the powdered brew in baby formula-sized cans? Oh yeah, because it would probably taste like ass, and you'd still have to pick a million red party cups out of the backyard bushes. That's why they make kegs: so you don't have to buy so many cans. Oh, and kegs always have a way of attracting a fresh crop of 22 year-old weight lifters.