Alibi V.16 No.14 • April 5-11, 2007 

It's Just Grape Juice

Impressing the Honeys

I’m frequently asked: “Andres, oh wise guru of wine, how much do I spend on wine for my date?” Giving this advice a friend is easy—I already know way too much about their lives and dating history. However, giving this advice to someone I don’t know well is trickier.

You may think choosing a good wine at a restaurant, even at a store, has something to do with the food you're going to eat (or such nonsense). Sure, you can choose the perfect wine at a reasonable price to match that exquisite duck entrée, but what you really need to do is get a second date—and dropping some cash on wine is the way to go.

In my years of matchmaking (wine or otherwise), I’ve found there’s a direct correlation between your hotness, your date’s hotness and how much you need spend on wine to impress said date. The exact ratio to hotness and cash expenditure is a very complicated mathematical computation I won’t bother you with. Instead, I’ve created a simple flowchart to guide you through your wine purchasing experience. Follow this chart and you’ll be guaranteed a second date every time.