Alibi V.16 No.20 • May 17-23, 2007 ››
Fortune in a Bottle
What your drink really says about you
We all have our favorite drinks, but did you ever stop to think those drinks may point to omens that describe you and predict your destiny? With springtime upon us, we thought we'd add divination and pseudo-scientific mystery to the season's spiritous activities. In the end, what you're drinking might say more about you than "you drink too much."
Beverage: Thanks to a wave of entertainment like "Sex and the City," you'll find these sweet, colorful drinks on fernbar menus across America. Think Mojitos, Cosmopolitans and modern drinks ending in "-tini," such as the "Razz-tini."
Personality: Charming and sexy, trendy drinkers are perfectionists with high standards. These people love to gossip, however, and can be manipulative and shallow. Despite this, trendy drinkers work hard for what they desire (and usually get it), and when they can finally relax these people like to do so with the drinks popularized by TV and movies. Compatible with Tropical Drinks, Girl Drinks and Shooters. Avoid Classic Drinks.
Beverage: Liquor that's straight-up, on ice or with a touch of water. In any case, you like your Scotch, Bourbon and Branch, Cognac or Rusty Nail stiff.
Personality: The Men's Club drinker is the type who likes to languish in a leather chair, smoke a cigar and enjoy a venerable vintage. These people are quiet, intelligent, honorable and practical hard workers. Yet they possess harsh tempers and can be quite intolerant, hating failure and opposition. Despite this negativity, these people are social and relaxed when they feel secure. Compatible with Beer and Classic drinks. Avoid Girls Drinks, Obscure Mixtures, Shooters and Trendy Drinks.
Beverage: Beer, any kind.
Personality: From Bud to fancy Belgian brews, these people like beer. The beer drinker can vary greatly, but in general these people are sympathetic deep thinkers with a proclivity toward rebellion and, on ocassion, short tempers. In a life full of challenges, beer drinkers are dynamic and courageous—just don't ever ask them for money, as they're often tightwads. Beer people are most compatible with Highballs, the Basics and Men's Club drinkers. Avoid Shooters, Tropical, Girl Drinks and Obscure Mixtures.
Beverage: Reds and whites, Champagne, Prosseco and other grape-based beverages.
Personality: Wine drinkers tend to be talented, attractive, thoughtful and lucky: A classy sort of folk with excellent taste. Unfortunately, winos can be complicated and self-centered. They like to gossip, yet are capable of doing so in a tasteful way, happily smirking into their champagne flutes. Wine is compatible with no other drinks.
Beverage: No alcohol here, just drink.
Personality: The sans-alcohol lot are healthy, energetic, disciplined and soft-hearted, but have a tendency towards pompous behavior and intolerant attitudes. Regardless, the Virgin drinker is likely to be the most powerful and dignified person in the room. Compatible with anyone to whom they give a ride. Try to avoid Shooters drinkers.
Beverage: Far-flung and outdated drinks most bartenders have never heard of or have rarely attempted—French 75, for example.
Personality: While the Obscure Mixtures drinker may be an elegant thinker with a fondness for the finer things in life, they can also be arrogant cocktail snobs. Ordering a rare drink suggests a certain level of expertise, but beware: It can also make you look like an asshole, especially if done in a busy or blue-collar bar. This is why the wisest Obscure Mixture drinkers hang close to specialty cocktail bars. Compatible with Tropical, Girl Drinks and Shooters. Avoid Beer, Men's Club and The Basics.
Beverage: Any small portion of alcohol, from tequila shots to rudely named mixtures (i.e. Buttery Nipple or Blow Job) consumed quickly with the intention of getting wasted.
Personality: Carefree, impulsive and persuasive, those that drink shooters have a tendency to get lost in the moment, which can cause them trouble later. However, these highly sociable drinkers are endearing and generous; attributes that make them the life of the party. Just don't tell them any secrets—they can't keep them. Very compatible with Beer, Girl Drinks and Trendy Drinks.
Beverage: Everyday beverages that are served mealside at most restaurants—Margaritas, Rum and Cokes, and Daiquiris, for example.
Personality: Basic drinkers, while gentle, modest and compliant, tend to be shy and puzzled by life. Although they can be creative people, their insecurity and confusion steers them toward less risky "tried-and-true" drinks. This person is a cocktail novice and others might consider lending them a helping hand. Compatible with Beer, Men's Club and Highballs. Avoid Girl Drinks and Obscure Mixtures.
Beverage: "Dessert cocktails" that are sweet enough to mask the taste of alcohol and festooned with a garnish of some sort. Wine coolers, Amaretto Sours, Grasshoppers and Cookies ’n’ Cream Martinis fall into this category.
Personality: Perhaps the happiest drinkers of them all, Girl Drink drunks are never at a loss for words. They are welcoming and, when overcoming their prudish or serious side, have fun at parties. Although they can be warped and a little too agreeable, these drinkers are lively and lend a point of view and excitement that's sometimes missing in social situations. Compatible with Tropical, Trendy Drinks and Shooters. Avoid Men's Club.
Beverage: Anything fruity, kitschy and originating in warm climates—Mai Tais, Singapore Slings, Flaming Volcanoes and Piña Coladas.
Personality: Those who fancy tropical drinks think of themselves as exotic, and they usually are! These people, like their drinks, are attractive, romantic (maybe overly romantic) and love the limelight. Tropical drinkers are brave and can be overly forthright with their opinions, but their compassion and wisdom makes up for their flaws. Compatible with Girl Drinks and Obscure Mixtures. Avoid Men's Club.
Beverage: "Old Hollywood" standards like Martinis, Manhattans, Tom Collins, Whiskey Sours and Screwdrivers.
Personality: Caring little for wealth, yet always with ample cash flow, Classic drinkers are loyal, honest, confidence-inspiring secret-keepers. On the other hand, they can be cold, critical, eccentric and aloof in social situations. Classic drinkers are born leaders; good people with whom to start a business. Compatible with Beer, Highballs, The Basics and Men's Club. Avoid Obscure Mixtures and Trendy drinks.
Beverage: Tall liquor-and-soda sippers like Cape Cods, Gin and Tonics, and Vodka and Sodas.
Personality: Honest, modest, patient, obliging and hospitable, the highball drinker is an informed person and a loyal friend. These drinkers don't like a fight, preferring to sit back, relax and enjoy a light buzz from a refreshing drink. However, highball drinkers can also be pessimistic, impulsive know-it-alls. This is the person to go to for advice over drinks. Highballs are compatible with all drinks. (Except wine, of course.)