Alibi V.16 No.33 • Aug 16-22, 2007 

How To: Valuable Culinary Lessons

Cannibal Cuisine

Eat, but don’t be eaten

So you’re stuck in the wilderness with five of your closest buddies. You've run out of food and rescue is beginning to look unlikely. Though no one has brought it up, you’re all wondering who is going to be eaten first.

The most important thing you must know about surviving a situation like this is do not be the one to bring it up. You'll be eaten once the other members of your party can no longer bear the guilt of eating a friend, and they'll blame you for their moral dilemma. Instead, subtly coax the suggestion out of the person you like the least. This does two things: You won’t have too much trouble blaming him in the media, and you won’t feel that bad about eating him.

The “divide and conquer” method should be employed if any party members are related. For example, if there are two brothers, choose the older brother for the first meal. The younger brother will be so incapacitated by remorse and the loss of his role model that he'll be easy pickings for the next meal. If you find yourself in a group where all members are related except you, watch your back. You'll be the first to go.

Avoid making eye contact during meal time. You want to appear ashamed that you're dining on friends; keep your head down and try to shed a tear or two. At all other times it’s necessary to make eye contact to gauge whether your friends intend to eat you next. If they can’t bear to meet your gaze, be alarmed.

Try not to fall asleep first. Unlike slumber parties, this mistake can result in much worse than having your eyebrows shaved off.

If everyone falls silent when you approach, they're not gossiping about what didn’t stay in Vegas; they're likely discussing your demise. This calls for a bold move. Eat the next guy who wanders off to pee in the woods. This will earn you some much needed fear and respect from your dining companions.

Remember, you've resorted to eating people in order to survive. Being eaten yourself would totally defeat that purpose. Stay on the top of the food chain.