Alibi V.13 No.1 • Jan 1-7, 2004 

Gastrological Forecast

It's a new year! And you still have the same old fat ass! Only it's just a little bit fatter now, isn't it? Just where-oh-where did those mystery ass-pounds come from? Let's see, 17 red and green foil-wrapped mini Reese's peanut butter cups at 80 trillion grams of fat each, plus a half tin of sugar-sprinkled Danish butter cookies at 11 quatrillion grams of fat per tin, plus six glasses of egg nog at 99 million grams of fat each. And let's mutiply that by 31 days in December ... well, what do you know? It adds up. Wanna know the easiest way to drop a few pounds quick? This mystery diet has been around for centuries. It's called: eating vegetables. (Hint: potatoes are not vegetables.) Vegetables are the green things your mom made for dinner when you were a kid. They are variously known by such names as green beans, broccoli, squash, spinach and eggplant. You hated them back then but you had to eat them or Mom would get mad. Now Mom isn't hovering over your plate anymore but your punishment for not eating vegetables is ... you guessed it ... your fat ass! Make an effort to eat some green stuff at every meal and you'll watch those ass-pounds melt away like butter. If that doesn't work we'll refund every penny you paid for this paper.