Alibi V.13 No.18 • April 29-May 5, 2004 

Gastrological Forecast

Don't do drugs, kids. They make you do terrible, terrible things. Among other horrors, sometimes people who use marijuana tragically lose their ability to make appropriate food choices. You may encounter potheads at 7-Eleven, making dangerous concoctions at the Slurpee machine and woefully non-nutritious selections in the candy aisle. Grass abusers often claim to have created new "snacktime paradigms" while under the influence but don't let them peer-pressure you into trying a chicharron and jalapeño Jelly Belly pie. One stoner I know arranges a single layer of M&M's on a paper plate and microwaves them for exactly 41 seconds. The result, he claims, is crispy-shelled candies with semi-molten interiors that taste like "midget shots of Swiss Miss [hot cocoa]." The paper plate is left with a pattern of candy shell residue that he says looks like a cross between the work of Jackson Pollack and Monet. He also insists upon a sort of supernatural synergy between chilled Grey Goose Vodka and Junior Mints. It's too bad his "alternative lifestyle" led him away from his true calling—as a chef, of course! Tsk, tsk.