Step 1. Please leave your message after the tone.

Step 2. When you are finished hang up

Step 3. or press # for more options

Step 4. To leave a numeric page press^

Step 5. Dial ## if you need assistance wiping your ass.

Step 6. Press :(! if you are getting irritated with my incessant instructions.

Step 7. Dial #*%& if you need to hear these options again.

Seeing that automated answering services have been around for nearly 50 years, is it really necessary to instruct the caller

a. when to start leaving the message?!

b. when to hang up?!!

c. more options to do what other than leave the fucking message?

d. numeric page? are you serious? seriously?

Dear automated voice messaging systems; Please, for the love of god, shut the fuck up and let me leave my message already. You waste so much of my time that it makes my head want to explode. If I ever hear your voice in public you better run.