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aka, What Not to do in the Kitchen.
I like to think I'm not the only crappy cook and thought it might be helpful to give tips to fellow non-cooks who would like to be able to feed themselves without crying.
So as I fuck up in the kitchen I will share it with you so you won't make the same mistakes. I could just give the simplest advice, which is follow the directions, but this is for those of us who are just too lazy.
1. Do not try to cook from the the living room. Jimmy Dean Sausage will for sure char into little hockey pucks when you leave it on high for 20 minutes while you're engrossed in shitty sitcoms.
2. Stock the fridge with condiments. And not just fancy ethnic condiments from Ta Lin and World Market. Although they may make you look cool in front of your foodie friends, cock sauce just won't substitute for cheap ass, sugary ketchup on your hash browns. (I didn't even have any fast food packets in the kitchen junk drawer. I know! I know! How could that be possible? Because 15 years after the fact I'm finally trying to stop living like a poor college student. Idiot. I'm so sad right now.)
The Jimmy Dean sausage and hash browns burned while you were watching TV, then you couldn't find the ketchup. Oops, you're stoned again.
Don't spend $16 on pot roast meat on Sunday and then wait until Thursday to cook it only to find it smells funky and you have to throw it out. $16.
The date said sell by the 24th. It was the 25th when I went to cook it and it was funky.
Lesson? Either freeze it the day you buy it, or cook it the next. Oh, and always smell your meat.
Are you out of eggs? Are you cooking for someone who can't eat eggs? Here's a hot tip.
Get a live Hagfish. Disturb it, so that it produces protective slime. Use that as egg substitute.
Did it really smell funky, or did you just get high and throw away a good roast?
you probably can't taste anything either. So dive in and chase it with a swig of pepto.
You would make a good husband, never being able to taste my shitty cooking.
When the recipe says, "flip the cake," you are not supposed to put a clean flat pan on the counter, then stand with your cake in your hands and try to slam it down on your counter. Cherries will go everywhere.
Instead, place a clean pan on top of your cake, grasp the bottom pan and the top pan, and flip the thing over.
You can't put frosting on a hot cake. Learned that lesson the hard way.
If you have a 2 month old block of velveeta thats been open.... don't just shrug and mix it with a fresh block... the new velveeta is a bit ageist and wants nothing to do with the old withered cheese-product...
to velveeta queso when you leave it boiling away on high for 2 hours while you watch the LOST season premier?
you throw away your crock pot and get a new one