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Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your
evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and
Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and
the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
..and thought it was especially perverted. (That's a good thing.)
Aren't the Blue States that ones who are the most opposed to splitting up? (And yet, as pointed out, have the most to gain from it?) Aren't they the ones who call for Unity, and for decisions to be made by a body that consists of representatives from the Blue and Red States, instead of leaving those decisions to the legislatures and governors of the Blue States?
It's interesting that the citizens of the states with the most wealth (Blue States), tend to vote for federal government that will spend relatively more of their tax money on the states with the least wealth (Red States). (Does wealth cause altruism, or does altruism cause wealth?) And then, to compound the absurdity, the citizens of the Red States vote against that!
It's like everyone is trying to lose. The red states should be blue ("spreading the wealth is just, and oh by the way, we're poor") and the blue states should be red ("spreading the wealth is unjust, and oh by the way, we're rich").
Except this election, it looks like even more states will be blue! A few problems though: Jonah was swallowed by a fish, not a whale. And evolution is a theory. And it is funny how the poor Republicans vote against their own interests. Republican politicians have gotten a hell of a lot of milage off of abortion and gay marriage. Truth be told, I used to be a Republican but they've screwed things up so badly and quit following what they once stood for so long ago there's no way I could support them. I still believe abortion is murder though. There's just no way to deny that fact. The most helpless, innocent among us should be protected.