We live in tough economic times. Going on a murder spree is difficult these days, what with the price of bullets and all. Ricochet Kills 2 asks you to kill as many people as you can with as few bullets as possible. Work those angles, baby! How many games let you work out your violent aggression and teach basic geometry at the same time?
My laptops collection, the logical replacement to my typewriter collection
I bought a new computer on Monday. It took me all day to find one, and part of Sunday.
It was an important purchase. I’ve been working out of the house lately and my two laptop computers, ages five and eight, just weren’t doing the job anymore. An abacus is more technologically advanced.
Always a man of intense passion, I found myself screaming at the elderly laptops when they would freeze, crash, inexplicably shut off.
This is one of my many shortcomings: I scream at inanimate objects when they don’ t do what I want them to do. My father is a machine screamer too. It’s irrational, immature and, now that some people have moved in downstairs, quite embarrassing.
I searched high and low for a cure for my malady stricken machines: antivirus programs, registry cleaners, etc. I’m sure there are some tech nerds out their rolling their eyes at this, thinking, “What a Jackass. All he needed to do was….”
Technology isn’t really my strong suit.
One day, after seeing my hateful face reflected in the spittle that had collected on the screen of one of the damnable machines I thought, “There has to be a better way.”
The cat sat on the couch through all of this, directing a steady gaze at me that said, “You’re such an Asshole.”
And now this asshole has a brand new $400 computer. I know that seems cheap, but when your net worth is $1200, it’s a sizable investment.
Now what do I do with the now retired laptops? They are full of music but I’m afraid of transferring it to the new computer, lest it be infected with the malignant funk that befell the old machines. I could borrow a friend’s gun (I own no guns for obvious reasons) and blast the things into dust, but that wouldn’t be green. They cannot be sold, as the even the crack fiends who broke into my house two months ago didn’t take them, crack fiends being necessarily tech-savvy. (Electronics provide a large amount of their income.) I was thinking of sending them off to the third world for some underprivileged kids, but why make their lives worse.
More than likely, the computers will sit in my house forever, as I am a borderline hoarder. Eventually they will be joined by the sparkly new machine on which I write this.
I don’t like big, thick, ground beef patties. Besides being fattening (though— when it comes down to burger-eatin’— do I care?), when undercooked they can poison you. Since turning my back on vegetarianism in 2008, I’ve been in search of a waif-like hamburger patty, cooked through and through, encased with garnishes of garden salad proportions and housed in high class buns. I’m happy to report that Lumpy’s Burgers’ (5420 Central SW at Old Coors) 1/4 Wimpy fits the bill.
Lumpy eaters attain food by filling out orders on paper bags, picking sauces, vegetables, pickles, peppers, burger type and fry type. They then choose a potato—sweet or Idaho—that will be turned into fries. After paying and waiting in the restaurant’s low key parking lot eating area, your order is returned in the bag. Upon opening the burger a divine light shines all around the sandwich. That’s just aluminum foil.
Three stellar heavy metal bands hailing from the late ’80s and ’90s proved they are three stellar heavy metal bands in 2010. Thursday, Aug. 26, at Tingley Coliseum proved to be a night of more than just memory-lane metal in the best possible way.
Testament took the stage with full force, delivering an awesome—albeit too short for this viewer’s tastes—set of straightforward, no-frills metal. Fans were right there chanting lyrics and appeasing Chuck Billy’s requests to divide and conquer during a game of “mosh more than that side.” Much to security’s dismay, the crowd was quite ambitious—yet good to one another. These boys deserve a spotlight on an upcoming tour for sure.
Megadeth was in awesome form, and that’s kudos coming from a lukewarm fan of their recorded material. Deciding to drop their volume a bit was a golden choice, as all lyrics were distinguishable and poignant, their message courtesy of Dave Mustaine. The band played a host of old and new material, including such crowd favorites as "Peace Sells ... But Who's Buying" and the radio hit "Symphony of Destruction." Many wardrobe and guitar changes later, and the audience seemed won over by these mega metal men.
That is until Slayer took center stage. There was no mistaking this was what this crowd came hungry for. The complete brutality of Slayer’s metal onslaught with it's punk overtones rattled this rodeo-and-cow arena to its very foundation. Tingley Coliseum still has the ability to host top-notch, big-name shows as much as the The Pavilion.
A wealth of songs came from albums Seasons in the Abyss and Reign in Blood. Guitarist Kerry King and company delivered one explosive, guitar-screaming song after another. Working the crowd into a frenzy was the name of the game, and played well it was. By the time "Angel of Death" rang out, Albuquerque was all ears and pit-loving leg stomps. This night was owned by Slayer, and members gave it their all right up until the house lights came up.
All three bands were a welcome reminder that in this age of downloads, backing tracks and glittery over-production, kick ass bands still keep kids and elders alike coming back for more.
Sam Donaldson. Sam Donaldson will be Grand Marshall of this year’s State Fair Parade. Pinch me, I’m dreaming. Because nothing spells family fun more than ABC newsman Sam Donaldson. Some sources indicate he will be riding atop a float shaped like a giant typewriter, but this has not been confirmed because I made the typewriter part up. The rest is true.
Usually when watching the UFC, my stoke level is through the roof but with Randy Couture vs. James Toney, my excitement turned into anxiousness. If pro-boxer Toney somehow knocked out Couture, old-school boxing fans would quickly devalue MMA as a competitive sport.
Luckily Couture did his job and destroyed Toney with ground and pound before choking him out with a arm triangle in round one. Now Couture can move on and face top contenders in the light heavyweight division.
When the main event ended between Frankie Edgar and BJ Penn there was no doubt, Edgar had confirmed his spot as the No. 1 lightweight in the world. Unlike their first bout earlier this year, Edgar dominated Penn in every aspect of MMA. From takedowns to powerful striking, Edgar took the heart and will from Penn to win a lopsided decision and retained the lightweight title. Penn seemed confused and had little help from his cornermen to counter Edgar's gameplan. Now Edgar will collide with No. 1 contender Grey Maynard and try to avenge his only loss. Meanwhile Penn needs to reflect on his career and evaluate if he will continue as a lightweight, or challenge much bigger fighters in the welterweight division.
Boston heroes like Tom Brady, Wes Welker, and the new member of the Boston Celtics Shaquille O'Neal witnessed an average undercard. The fight of the night went to Nate Diaz and Marcus Davis, which featured a Diaz submission in the third round. Despite an ugly and un-fan-friendly style, Grey Maynard finally got his title shot by winning a decision over Kenny Florian. Also Demian Maia showcased textbook Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and overwhelmed Mario Miranda.
Baseball
The Little League World Series ranks as one of the most underrated sporting events in the country. It's refreshing to see these competitors playing for the love of baseball instead of money and fame. Japan broke the United States streak of five straight victories by defeating Hawaii 4-1. Major League Baseball should be paying special attention this year because instant replay made its debut in the tournament. From all accounts, replay was a success and will hopefully be used to review every close call in Major League Baseball.
Golf
Everybody said Tiger Woods would never win a major again and his career was over. But, as usual, Woods proved his critics wrong and had his best performance of the year at the Barclays Tournament. Woods didn't win but proved he's still a threat by shooting a 65 and 67 during the first and final round.
Even though the final round didn't feature Woods, Matt Kuchar made sure to add excitement by defeating Martin Laird in a playoff. Critics needs to cut Woods some slack this season and evaluate his career when his mind is fully committed to golf.
Cast: Sam Rockwell, Kevin Spacey, Matt Berry, Kaya Scodelario, Benedict Wong, Malcolm Stewart, Dominique McElligott, Robin Chalk, Rosie Shaw
Sam Rockwell (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind) stars (in fact, is the only star) in this micro-budgeted sci-fi miracle. Rockwell plays an astronaut stuck on far side of the moon supervising a lonely mining station. One day, he stumbles across, well, himself. Is he going stir crazy or are other forces at work? Director Duncan Jones (son of David Bowie) has fashioned a smart, convincing slice of sci-fi minimalism here.
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