Here’s a picture of the Red Hot Chile Pepper boot from Lane. Because you all know what chile looks like.

But NPR is rad, and so is this piece. It taught me many things, including that people down south use Spam in their rellenos. Also, that there’s a law in effect that protects New Mexico’s favorite fruit. The New Mexico Chile Advertising Act was signed in the spring. It prevents jerks who are not in the state from labeling their dumb “chili” as being grown in New Mexico. Jerks.

According to the New Mexico Chile Association, our industry is not doing so hot. No pun intended. China is trying to horn in on some of the chile market, the association says.

The New York Times did an article on the chile law back in February, too. We’re so famous. And not just for meth.

 

Once, I was posted up in a booth behind a tourist couple, and the lady said in an alarmed voice to the man: “This food is so hot you can’t even taste the food!”

Lady, the hot is the food—of life!

I like my chile so hot it elevates my consciousness, sharpens me up.

I like my chile so hot it dilates my pores and sinuses.

I like my chile so hot it withers my shitty day.

I like my chile so hot it cremates boredom.

I like my chile so hot it burns the demons out of me.

I like my chile so hot it cauterizes my heart.

Today, I went to Cecilia’s Café. There were new warning signs posted around the restaurant. I thought, perhaps, they were there to caution new customers about the usual level of heat—which is in the red.

Instead, it seems the chile is now EVEN HOTTER. I had to take most of my meal to go after attempting it for some time with the acoompaniment of several glasses of water. I dropped ice cubes onto my tongue and just let them melt.

I have eaten my leftovers in four parts throughout the day, about a half-cup at a time. I’ve been on a kind of weird continual inhale all day—lots of little breaths in in in ... out ... in in in ...

This is high praise. My day has been awesome. Get the red.

Also, where’s your favorite hot spot?

• chile

• It's good you're anonymous (marisa) [ Thu Jun 16 2011 1:39 PM ]
  
• Sadies (m_​​c_​​zero) [ Thu Jun 16 2011 2:40 PM ]
  
• At Sadie's you gotta get the green. (upchuck) [ Fri Jun 17 2011 11:03 AM ]
  

Best of Burque 2011—Ken Burns-style

It's the Weekly Alibi's 18th annual Best of Burque issue. Faster than a speeding red-light runner. More powerful than Don Schrader's home-brewed goat head yerba maté. You, the readers, picked the best of the best in the Duke City. We, Albuquerque's faithful alternative weekly, compiled those green chile slathered nuggets of local goodness into what is sure to be the best Best of Burque issue of 2011.

Don't take our word for it. The issue (officially) hits stands on Thursday, April 7, but if you hunt diligently it can be found in select locations on Wednesday, April 6.

Who will win best Albuquerquean? Which bar has the best staff? Which radio station came out on top? Tune in next week to find out.

More Videos

 

I used to think beans needed salt pork or ham hocks to come out right. Not so. Beans are just as delicious with no meat at all. I imagine there may come a time when you don’t even need beans to make beans–just air and a discerning palette. In the mean time, here’s my world-famous recipe for beans.

1) Rinse some dry beans and soak them over night in a large saucepan. The beans expand as they absorb water, so while it’s difficult to know how many you should soak, you can be pretty sure you’re soaking too many. That’s okay, they’re cheap. Some people say you need to sort the dry beans for rocks prior to rinsing, but I prefer to simply buy “rock-free” brands and gamble with my very life.

2) After soaking, drain the beans and replace the water with fresh, then boil them for about five minutes, removing the white scum that forms on top. I like to believe the white scum contains extra fart-producing elements. I have no scientific basis for believing so, but you’ll want to scrape it off anyway because it looks gross.

3) Dump the beans and hot water into a slow cooker (i.e. Crock-Pot®) with half a diced onion and one or two cloves of crushed garlic, then let it cook on high for about five hours. The longer beans cook, they softer they become. Don’t add salt while they’re cooking. Salt lowers the boiling temperature of the water and will cause your beans to cook less quickly. It will also inevitably lead to somebody bitching about how salty they are. It’s best to just salt them to taste once they’re in the bowl.

I like to eat my beans with a little shredded cheddar cheese, and sometimes with some red or green chile. When it’s time to put the leftover beans away, let them cool off to room temperature without a lid before sticking them in the refrigerator. This guards against a disgusting aroma your beans might otherwise develop.

I think my house is haunted. I keep hearing sounds behind me, but when I turn around there’s no one there. Just a terrible smell.

• LOL. (aw0L) [ Mon Mar 21 2011 5:10 PM ]
  
• Fo you put them in a bowl (Geoffrey) [ Tue Mar 22 2011 8:27 AM ]
  
• A layer of shame. (Nick Brown) [ Tue Mar 22 2011 9:14 AM ]
  

silverfox09 / CC BY-SA 2.0

 

The Food and Drug Administration ordered the seizure of chile products from a warehouse in Derry, N.M.

U.S. Marshals confiscated the chile from Duran and Sons. (I’ve got a call in to the FDA to find out how much was seized, and how this chile is usually distributed.) According to the complaint filed by the FDA, inspectors discovered:

• “Widespread insect and rodent infestation”

• Rodent excreta pellets on and around the food

• Stains that looked like rodent urine

• “Investigators observed and photographed rodent nesting material on finished product.”

• Cats and birds

• Insects, larvae and moths

According to this 2007 High Country News article, Duran and Sons grows 140 acres of chile and processes 600,000 pounds every year.

There was no answer yesterday or today when the Alibi called the chile company. Owner Carl Duran told the Associated Press that he’d been cooperating with the FDA, and the raid was a surprise. He also said the seized chile was slated for destruction anyway.

Paul Rust

Pelicans in Chile.

What can I say, I have a fairly unhealthy fixation on birds the last year or two, in particular, sand hill cranes.

For the last month I have been impatiently awaiting the arrival of the ancient ones to Central New Mexico. I have seen huge flocks of birds flying high above the Rio Grande in recent weeks, coming in for the winter.

They blot out the sky. Some of them look like cranes. I love cranes.

Unfortunately, I am always going 80 mph on the freeway and can’t look too long. For this reason, I cannot confirm whether or not I’ve seen one yet. This is probably how I’m going to die, staring up at the sky trying to identify migrating bird species. I can think of worse ways to go.

I don’t want to say I’ve seen them until I’m sure I’ve seen them. Speculating will get you into trouble fast in this business. For this reason, I’m waiting until the three-foot-tall, dinosaur-like creatures are standing on the ground in a field somewhere, the crimson feathers on their heads plainly visible.

I can’t wait.

In the mean time, here is a picture of some pelicans in Chile, graciously sent by Mr. Paul Rust of Lawton, Okla. Thanks, Paul. You are tiding me over.

• Check the Open Space! (LuckyCarl) [ Sun Oct 31 2010 8:56 PM ]
  

Albuquerque's Chilean community celebrates the miners' rescue.

Martinez ditches a campaign contribution from a rape joke-making Texan guv candidate.

Is this teen the ninja bandit?

14,000 abandoned mines punched into New Mexico.

Killer pens an apology letter 10 years later.

The Lobos rank No. 1 … on ESPN's Bottom 10 list.

The city will refile charges against a man charged with feeding homeless people Downtown without a permit.

Cheney never apologized to the dude he shot in the face.

Rapper T.I. saves a man threatening to jump from a skyscraper.

Darryl Strawberry sells chicken wings in Queens.

The world's new shortest man.

The McRib is coming back on election day.

Life-sized Lego models.