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Rules for Albuquerque Driving

sorry, Chuck Palahniuk

These morning commutes are killing me.
scene-stealers.com
These morning commutes are killing me.

I wrote Rules for Driving in Albuquerque back in college while I was taking a public speaking class. My topic was “SUV’s and Why I Hate Them,” and the list wasn’t part of the assignment, but an afterthought. I lost a few years in there, so no original copy exists, but my commute daily from Belen to Albuquerque brings the list to mind.

From the best of my recollection this is the list (with apologies to Chuck Palahniuk):

The first rule of Albuquerque driving is you do not use turn signals.

The second rule of Albuquerque driving is you DO NOT USE TURN SIGNALS.

The third rule of Albuquerque driving is if you must use turn signals, use them incorrectly. For example, signal left, make hard right.

The fourth rule of Albuquerque driving is stop signs are optional.

The fifth rule of Albuquerque driving is never drive the speed limit. Drive maddeningly slow or dangerously fast. The middle shall not hold.

The sixth rule of Albuquerque driving is maintain a length of one quarter of a car length behind me on the freeway. What, are you reading my bumper sticker?!

The seventh rule of Albuquerque driving is green means go, yellow means go faster, red lights means stop but only after seven seconds.

The eighth rule of Albuquerque driving is why get a license plate when you can have a temporary tag forever. Trust me, temporary tags are very cool. I don’t understand why this last one hasn’t taken hold up in the northeast whites.

Please, drive safely. Be nice.

writing

The Freelancer's Prayer

Confessions of a former meeting attendee

John Bear attends a monday staff meeting.
Clara Speer
John Bear attends a monday staff meeting.

I had an editor once who wore sweat pants to the newsroom.
I did not approve. While I’ve never been a GQ type of guy, preferring cheap khakis and work shirts to slacks and dress shirts, I always tried to dress well enough to go to court.
When my editor would come in clutching a bag of McDonalds and a lip-balancing a cigarette, decked out in blue or black sweat pants, I couldn’t help but scoff (and cringe at the knowledge that a soul-crushing, spirit-trashing staff meeting was soon to steal an hour of my day.) Sure, we are print people, but that’s no reason to dress like like one had awakened under a freeway overpass.
I’m not too big to admit that I was wrong. I wrote an article this morning dressed in a t-shirt and boxer shorts. It was heaven. I felt like I had found Jesus after a life in mortgage banking. I have seen the light and been reborn. Hallelujah. Can I get an amen?
I am trying to freelance full time and I think I have just found the first perk among the many terrifying unknowns: no pants. Pants are overrated and a large portion of my operating budget. They have to go.
Lord, I don’t ask you for much, and I’m calling in a favor. Bless me with enough freelance work to continue to revel in the unbearable lightness of chortes. Amen.

V.19 No.24 | 6/17/2010

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