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V.21 No.45 | 11/8/2012
Malingering/ CC BY-SA 2.0

election

(Comic) Relief for Your “Raging Election”

Give your burning, breaking news ulcer a few moments of respite. For your Election Day amusement, a small compendium of comedian tweets:

@iamjohnoliver: If Mitt Romney wins the election tonight, the White House will be one of the smallest houses he's ever lived in.

@GregtheGrouch: My polling place smelled like fish sticks today.

@steveagee: Vote yes on prop These Nuts

@Hamptonyount: How much did it cost you guys to vote? I feel like I got a deal.

@JohnCleese: Presidential election today when we finally find out just how batty America is...

@jackiekashian: Andy, "I anticipate a happy ending. To my raging election."

@toddbarry: They don't make a sticker for what I did today.

@tedalexandro: Senior citizen volunteers overseeing newfangled computer voting machines? There's no way this could go wrong!

@birbigs: Today is Halloween for adults. Let's all pretend we live in a democracy. #VOTE

@friedmanjon: I just voted for some Kenyan guy. LOL!

@mileskahn: Does anyone know if Fox News is on suicide watch? I'm really worred about them.

@mitchfatel: Just released! Documents prove Obama is half black!

@DougBenson: I'd like to see four more years of BREAKING BAD. Can we vote for that?

@mileskahn: Nate Silver says there's a 95% chance that if Obama wins he's "so getting laid."

@JenKirkman: An old lady who lives at the senior place I'm voting in just yelled out her room "Shut up!" to a crying baby. She's prob a hologram of my future.

@aasif: Are you kidding me Florida?

@PaulScheer: Vote No on Prop 36 which requires everyone you know to have a podcast. #vote2012

@julieklausner: Putting on shoes, getting ready to vote. If they don't have stickers OR a sugar free lolly for me, I'm going to flip my shit.

@JoshSneed: Just stole a big roll of "I Voted" stickers when this guy wasn't looking in case anyone that just wants to be left alone needs one. 'Merica.

@EugeneMirman: The Internet isn't the only place to tell strangers they're idiots, you can yell at folks in voting lines or throw leftover CSA veggies too.

@thelovemaster: Interesting how they word proposition descriptions to spin u. Think I just saw 1 promising daily blow jobs. #gotmyvote

@aishatyler: Yes. Vote first. Game second. You can't save the universe from the Covenant menace if you haven't saved democracy first.

@Ruth_A_Buzzi: How can we vote when they haven't even done that part where we see them in their swim suits?

V.21 No.38 |

News

The Daily Word in icemelt, lacking luster and onstage freakouts

The Daily Word

A draft of a new study runs down a list of APD shortcomings, offers some solutions.

Are these signs of restive laborers in China?

Arctic sea ice has retreated to the lowest levels ever recorded.

"Dull," "silly," "ridiculous" and "lackluster": Welcome to the 2012 Emmy Awards!

Evaporative twihistory.

Last year's attacks on the Sinai Peninsula have yielded death penalty verdicts.

But rejecting lies is such hard work!

Pricey Port Authority boat sinking linked to human error, "like opening a window during a carwash."

The U.S. still can't seem to get young students interested in science, technology, engineering or math. Meanwhile, Congress voted against granting green cards to visiting foreign scholars in those fields.

Middle school scrapbooking club = urinalysis.

Venerable NYC altweekly chain sells its papers, holds on tight to adult services ads.

Methinks thou dost protest too much.

iHeart expletive-riddled stage rants.

"I want to go on living the uncensored dream, the free unconscious."

V.21 No.36 |

News

The Daily Word in the DNC, jobs, junk DNA, the environment and VMA fashions

The Daily Word

The decision between Barack and Mittens hinges on competing myths of the American consciousness.

Only 63.5% of Americans have a job or are looking for one.

Mittens savors the jobs report. More on that report and the great recession.

Nobody wants a PC; bad times for Intel.

New "iPhone 5" to be unveiled on Wednesday—what cool new extra will it offer?

Carbon-cutting in New Mexico may be done on a voluntary basis.

The coral reefs of the Caribbean are almost dead.

Arctic ice melting at an alarming rate. (Mittens mocks any concerns.)

Junk DNA is unveiling mysteries of the human body.

What does the use of "Tu" on Twitter (rather than the formal "Vous") mean for the French language?

Stainless steel appliances are passé—what's the next big trend?

Tips on booking a vacation.

A review of the fashions at last night's VMAs.

Weather: Highs in the low '90s today, dipping to the '70s tomorrow. Thunderstorms may happen through tomorrow. High temps cruise in the mid-'80s in the first half of next week.

V.20 No.48 |

News

The Daily Word in Pearl Harbor, occupied housing, Mumia and Justin Bieber

The Daily Word

It's the 70th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. Surprisingly, the Japanese admiral who masterminded it didn't want to go to war in the first place.

Brick by brick, wall by wall, they freed dropped the death penalty on Mumia Abu-Jamal.

Occupiers succesfully "liberate" a forclosed house in Brooklyn.

U.S. health official overrules her own experts on the morning-after pill.

Four words that should never, never, never go together: Justin Bieber steampunk Christmas.

Four words that go suprisingly well together: DIY animatronic firebreathing pony.

Wrap your presents in hamburger.

BP says Halliburton destroyed evidence that makes them culpable in the Gulf oil spill.

Procatinator is your new best friend. Or it's trying to kill you. Whatever.

Former Albuquerque Pride director is headed to the White House.

Snapshots from Nick Brown's kids' school science fair.

Salvador Disney and other films that actually happened.

What the Interwebs were atwitter about in 2011.

There's a vaccine for Ebola now.

Great Danes love kittens.

Albuquerque thieves are after your toilet paper.

Florida thieves are after a romantic dinner at home.

Thanks to E.J., Nick and Sarah for the links!

V.20 No.27 |

news

The Daily Word where a dog bites Morrissey, Ron Paul Retires and there's Carmageddon in LA

The Daily Word

Republicans gave away the debt ceiling fight.

The House fails to pass the Bulb Act.

Americans are having fewer children.

The Westboro Baptist Church chickens out of protesting Betty Ford's funeral.

Bronze letters stolen from buildings in Belen.

Recall elections begin in Wisconsin.

OUTRAGE after Michelle Obama eats a hamburger.

Ron Paul is retiring from Congress to focus on losing his presidential election.

Why the dollar store is a ripoff.

Bring your protractors to Pittsburgh.

The National League wins the All-Star Game.

Some dog hates Morrissey almost as much as I do.

L.A. is preparing for Carmageddon.

I've been a Netflix member since 2000, and in that time they've never raised my rates, but what the hell Netflix?

Greatest headline ever.

RIP Sherwood Schwartz.

Best ever cover of They Might Be Giants' Istanbul (Not Constantinople).

The last know surviving dinosaur was the triceratops.

What is a derecho?

Front row on world's steepest roller coaster.

Five million 4chan posts visualized.

Richard Simmons discovers planking, but when will he master flanking?

Happy Birthday Bob Crane!!!

V.20 No.22 |

news

The Daily Word: Alec Baldwin for Mayor, Upgrade Your iPhone Today, Mass-Grave In Texas

The Daily Word

Wallow Fire is creeping towards the NM state line.

Connecticut became the 13th state to decriminalize marijuana.

Two dogs die after being left in hot Animal Welfare vehicle.

Conservative activist group puts fake eviction notices on Detroit homeowners' doors.

Margaret Thatcher won't meet with Sarah Palin.

The owner of Steins Ghost Town was found shot to death.

The Texas mass-grave that wasn't.

Speaker of the House John Boehner more than doubled his monthly expense account.

Long list of sports figures who claimed their Twitter was hacked.

E. Coli infections in Tennessee.

New deep space images from the VLT Survey Telescope.

Alec Baldwin is considering running for mayor of New York City.

How to upgrade your iPhone to iOS 5 today!

Australia's Department of Defense claims to have lost all of it's UFO files.

One out of four US hackers is a FBI informant.

Good news for the 23,322 bittorrenters accused of sharing The Expendables.

The most kissed girl in the world.

Why aren't airplane seats designed better?

Peanutweeter is the new Garfield Minus Garfield.

10 video game facts about the late Macho Man Randy Savage.

Happy birthday Joan Rivers!!!

V.20 No.18 |

news

The Daily Word: Enhanced Pat Downs, Neo-Nazis, Burger of the Future

The Daily Word

APS releases next year's budget, plans on cutting more than 400 jobs.

The man killed by APD yesterday was armed with a plastic kitchen spoon.

President Obama still enjoying the post-bin Laden assassination popularity boost.

Eight-month-old gets an enhanced pat-down at Kansas City airport.

Donald Trump doesn't know what the 13 stripes represent on the American flag.

Interesting visualization of the spread of Osama bin Laden death news thru twitter.

Ten-year-old kills his neo-nazi father.

Because sometimes it's better when your favorite TV show gets cancelled.

History of people who use the internet to convince others to commit suicide.

The truth about Groupon.

Let your kids eat some junk food already!

Man found living on roof of a Georgia Waffle House.

Read all about the Old Man of the Lake.

The most hipster state in the US is …

Are you fat enough for the new Triple Double Oreo?

Bristol Palin had surgery that gave her a new chin, but don't worry, it was for medical reasons.

Saddest mugshot ever.

Social networking cigarettes.

Slow motion video of some dudes playing with a six foot water balloon.

Equisetum is the oldest genus of land plant, over 100 million years old.

Soul Caliber 5 is coming next year.

The validity of the legal advice from Jay-Z's 99 Problems.

New retro-cartoon channel to launch 'soon.'

The burger of the future.

Who watches the Watchponies?

Happy Birthday Jeffrey Donovan!!!

V.20 No.12 | 3/24/2011

news

The Daily Word featuring Twitter growing up, Libya going crazy, South Park creators getting Mormon

The Daily Word

A New York Times photographer was taken hostage and sexually assaulted in Libya. She took some incredible photos.

Already, this ridiculous Libyan faux-conflict is already costing several billion dollars.

This man brought an open can of beer to his DWI court appearance.

The Quran is found “guilty,” burned in a Florida church.

Get ready for Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s Broadway musical “The Book of Mormon.”

People are signing an online petition to have Apple remove a “gay cure” app.

This Albuquerque man went in to cardiac arrest and later died after being tased by police.

So that’s where my WWII-era machine gun went...

This man was so pissed off that Taco Bell burritos went up in price, he started firing at police. They’re not real anyway, dude.

Stand by Me? These kids in Texas find a human skull while fishing.

OMG, it’s Twitter’s fifth birthday!

...And this N.C. historian is telling the story of the Civil War through Twitter.

V.20 No.10 |

news

The Daily Word: Japan, Politics, Politics, Politics, Hitler, Politics, Boob Jobs, Politics

The Daily Word

Bill O'Reilly says the media is hyping the the nuclear situation in Japan, meanwhile Japanese workers evacuate the troubled nuclear plant. In an unrelated matter, it's being reported that radioactive snow is falling in Japan.

Not a single Republican on the House Energy committee will admit that climate change is real.

N.M. House rejects the Senate's immigrant license bill.

New census data shows Rio Rancho and Los Lunas are New Mexico's fastest growing cities.

Democrats are trying to force Republicans who oppose Obama's health care overhual to publicly declare whether they accept taxpayer-subsidized health care from the Federal Employee Health Benefit Program.

Missouri lawmakers are repealing voter-approved anti-puppy-mill lows.

House committee has nothing better to do than vote to defund NPR and PBS.

Is this what conservatives really want? Georgia governor raises taxes on Girl Scout Cookies, and cuts taxes on multinational corporations. While Michigan's governor cuts corporate tax rate by 86% and raises taxes for the working poor.

A terrible mother filed a lawsuit against her daughter's preschool for inadequately preparing the 4-year-old to pursue an Ivy League education.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is urging his citizens to say no to boob jobs.

Chicago bookstore forced to cancel mafia book signing after threats.

Some of the best walk off moments from 60 Minutes.

Life publishes some never-before seen photos of Hitler.

A tour of the worlds greatest holes.

The Wire's Snoop arrested, charged with conspiracy to sell heroin.

TV's Buffy The Vampire Slayer premiered 14 years ago this week.

Lean Cuisine meals are being recalled.

Were you a Hee Haw fan or did your parents prefer Soul Train? You can only choose one!

Hey nerds! Read Stan Lee's deposition on the creation of the Marvel universe. Seriously, it's good.

The Gap want's you to haggle for your next pair of pants.

Nickelodeon is bringing back some it's big hits from the 90s. Come on Pete & Pete!

Charlie Sheen's porn star loser girlfriend tweets her suicide attempt.

R.I.P. Nate Dogg.

Stephen King is writing another Dark Tower book.

Happy birthday Jerry Lewis!

www

Fake Gov. Susana Martinez, real Gov. Susana Martinez

There are two pretend guvs on Twitter.

At least, the Alibi hopes they're pretend. Because no one should outlaw Don Schrader's booty shorts. Our official editorial policy is firmly in favor of those shorts. Anonymous sources confirm: The other apparel option is nekkidness.

Susana2014 aims to offer insight into Martinez' internal world.

SusanaLaTejana writes in haiku.

In actual news, real ex-Gov. Bill Richardson is pissed at real Gov. Martinez for being disrespectful to him.

There's also a fake CoachLocksley.

And a clearly labeled FakeAbqPolice.

Know of any other satirical Twitters?

V.20 No.6 |

news

The Daily Word 2.12.11: Worse than yogurt; sheep are smarter than you think; inject the venom

The Daily Word

Those in power across the middle east continue to try and buy their citizens off

Bath Salts mimic the effects of cocaine and LSD. Really?

Speaking of wild drugs, who hasn't wanted to try snake venom?

After the venom, why not finally do this?

Cool slide show on mass movement of rural male Chinese to cities. Anyone who can give me a synonym for rural that starts w/ an M gets a kudo.

Fake Rahm Emanuel is even better than fake Andy Rooney on Twitter. If you start a week ago the feed reads kind of like Into The Wild w/ interns and baked beans.

Sunflower Market founder Michael Gilliland busted on suspicion of soliciting a minor for prostitution. Jeez.

Illinois ponzi scheme.

NY Post probably had the best cover depicting Mubarek resignation.

Sheep are smarter than.... smarter than you thought, anyway.

"Flowers wilt. Chocolates melt. Roaches are forever."

On this day in 1950, Einstein warned against the hydrogen bomb.

V.20 No.3 |

Sports

Hangover Sports

Hard times for Lobos, Packers and Steelers in Super Bowl

Lobo Basketball


Since Mountain West Conference play has started, Lobo fans maybe wondering when it's time to hit the panic button. Perhaps the time is now, with New Mexico losing a heart breaker to UNLV 63-62 Saturday afternoon. New Mexico had the lead going into halftime but didn't put themselves in a position to win. The Lobos shot 25 percent from three point range and had 20 turnovers. Despite bad shooting and Lobo Alex Kirk scoring only two points with zero rebounds, New Mexico had a chance to send the game to overtime. UNM's Kendall Williams could have clenched it when he was fouled with 1.1 seconds left. Williams hit the first free throw but missed the second, giving UNLV the win. With four conference loses, the Lobos need someone to emerge a leader. UNM returns home for a two games against TCU and No. 9 BYU. If the Lobos don't win both these games, it's panic time.


NFL Playoffs


Aaron Rodgers lead the Packers to a 21-14 victory over the Chicago Bears to capture the NFC championship. Rodgers wasn't perfect, throwing two interceptions but added a rushing touchdown and always gave his team good field position. The Packers defense was hard hitting and nasty, knocking Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler out of the game. Players around the league were questioning Cutler's injury on Twitter by calling him a sissy and a quitter. Cutler is a lot of things but a quitter is not one of them. Cutler sitting out was the right decision and hopefully he can bounce back from his knee injury. The Packers had multiple chances to bury the Bears but kept the game close. Green Bay will have to clean up the mistakes and play more consistent in order to become victorious on Super Bowl Sunday.


The New York Jets must have decided not play to the first half of the AFC championship game. Pittsburgh had a 24-3 lead and loads of momentum pushing the Jets into a hole. New York's Mark Sanchez had two touchdown passes in the second half but it was too late. Pittsburgh held on 24-19 and clearly must be considered a league powerhouse. Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin is an elite football mind.


Super Bowl XLV features two battle tested teams and should be a game to remember.

V.19 No.50 | 12/16/2010

Tech

Anti-Social is relief for the social media-addicted

Do you have a computery job from which you take breaks throughout the day to check in on Facebook or the Twitter? A software developer has created an application for Mac users that helps quell the urge to engage in the time-wasting habits related to social media. When activated, Anti-Social makes it impossible to log on to certain sites—as dictated by the user—unless you reboot your computer. Read about it, or listen to NPR’s story here.

V.19 No.38 | 9/23/2010

sports

Why we hate sports celebrities

Covering sports is getting to be harder day by day. There's the usual suspects (NBA players arrested on suspicion of domestic abuse and previously untouchably clean superstars turning out to be kinda-sorta scumbags), and then there's a little bit more.

Reggie Bush just became the first Heisman Trophy winner in history to give the trophy back. This will not put an end to the cloud of scandal surrounding the University of Southern California. Nor is that cloud limited to the football program and now-departed (but not fired, he just got a job in the NFL) head football coach, Pete Carroll. The USC basketball program, meanwhile, is dogged by accusations that its star around the same time, O.J. Mayo, who now plays in the NBA, engaged in essentially the exact same behavior.

To anyone who thinks the current trouble is SoCal-centered, look no further than Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl and the suspicion that is refusing to leave his side. In the pros, the recent NBA newsscape has been dominated by the fact that LeBron James' Q Score has fallen—drastically.

But is this really new? Are these things that didn't happen before? Are we living in some kind of deadly dark era, where athletes are misbehaving at a never-before-seen level? Is there something wrong with our generation?

Or, is it simply a reflection of the sped-up era in which we live? There have been numerous suggestions that the 24-hour cable news cycle makes it appear as though we live in a more violent world than is actually the case. With athletes hopping onto social networks like Twitter we get an unfiltered look at them and their lives. Few people will dispute that this is an interesting and probably positive wrinkle to the fan-entertainer relationship.

However, there is always a price to pay for closeness. (Remember the phrase about meeting your heroes?) With the media going full-tilt around the clock and the specialization of news organizations, we get revelations that we might not have in the past. Shaq's Twitter account is funny, but it's kind of sad to read about him stealing ideas for TV shows from teammates.

All this is merely to say: It's a shame about Reggie Bush. It's a shame that he essentially had to give back one of the most prestigious awards in the sport. It's a shame that there were suspicions about his time at USC since he was there. But the biggest shame of all is that the defending Super Bowl champs—the New Orleans Saints—are tainted, even if it's ever so slightly, by yet another negative news story about a sports star.

What's the solution? We refuse to live in blissful ignorance, and that's a good thing. But it feels like it keeps getting a little harder to watch sports, root for the same old kind of star, and read the same kind of story when they inevitably slip up.

Tomorrow's Events

Chinese New Year Celebration at Chinese Culture Center

wikimedia commons

Usher in the Year of the Monkey with the running of the dragon, lion dances, colorful ribbon and flag dances, demonstrations of Kung Fu and more.

Chatter Sunday—Monodramas at Las Puertas

Flamenco del Pueblo Viejo presents Luz • flamenco at Outpost Performance Space

More Recommended Events ››
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