Dear Mexican: I am an illegal alien that just turned 18. Is there anything I can do to become a legal alien besides deportation or marrying a U.S. citizen?

--Wetback that Wants to Dry His Back

Dear Wab: Go back to Mexico—seriously. Section 212(a)(9)(B)(iii)(I) of the United States Immigration and Nationality Act states, “no period of time in which an alien is under 18 years of age shall be taken into account in determining the period of unlawful presence in the United States,” meaning you can return to your mother patria, obtain an visa and come back to los Estados Unidos in, oh, about 10 years. Having said that, now can you appreciate the caca illegals face, gabachos? Even if a Mexican wants to enter this country the right way, our immigration system is so Kafkaesque—where else can you find such a crucial, relevant bit of information for millions filed away as an clause to the subparagraph of a paragraph in the subsection of a section’s article except in the American government?—that most Mexicans would rather trudge through blistering deserts or suffer in a cramped Ford Ranger than deal with a line into bureaucracy? And it’s not an innate Mexican trait to break immigration law—as I’ve said before, put any poor country next to a rich one; add historical symbiosis, Manifest Destiny and saber rattling; mix in a dash of globalized economics, and voila! Your own illegal invasion! I don’t want to say there’s no hope for you, Wetback, but any chance of amnesty in the next couple of years is less likely than a Guatemalan in the White House. So, in the meanwhile, keep adding to the fat of the land while taking some scraps for yourself—anything less would be un-American.