Week in Sloth

The Week in Sloth

Thursday 8

“Tougher in Alaska” (History 8 p.m.) Seems like basic cable has suddenly become obsessed with Alaska. In the wake of Discovery Channel’s Alaska Week--replete with shows like “The Alaska Experiment”--comes History Channel’s “Tougher in Alaska.” It’s a region-specific takeoff of Discovery’s “Dirty Jobs.” Each week, host Geo Beach (who really ought to hook up with Bear Grylls) works another brutal job in America’s Last Frontier. Tonight: gold prospecting.

Friday 9

“TV’s All-Time Funniest” (KOAT-7 7 p.m.) Who is TV’s funniest father? Funniest mother? Funniest kid? Funniest relative? Funniest neighbor? Funniest boss? Find out tonight as the Paley Center for Media reveals the results of some poll that Nielsen Research conducted. ... By the way: Homer Simpson, Erica Kane, Beaver Cleaver, cousin Myrtle Urkel, nosy Gladys Kravitz from “Bewitched” and Angela Bower (she was the boss).

Saturday 10

Aztec Rex (Sci-Fi Channel 7 p.m.) Apparently, Ice Spiders wasn’t just some isolated incident of Sci-Fi Channel producers stringing two random words together to create a bad movie. Here, we have Aztec Rex, in which, yes, Aztecs fight a tyrannosaurus rex. Not quite funny enough for you? “Beverly Hills 90210” star Ian Ziering headlines as 16th century conquistador Hernán Cortés.

An American Crime (Showtime 7 p.m.) Catherine Keener (Being John Malkovich) stars as Annie Wilkes, a nutty single mom who physically and psychologically tortures a teenage boarder (Juno’s Ellen Page) in 1965 Indiana. The really scary part? It’s based on a true story.

Sunday 11

“Teleflora Presents: America’s Favorite Mom” (KOB-4 6 p.m.) A TV special sponsored by a florist, hosted by Donnie and Marie Osmond and paying loving tribute to America’s greatest natural asset: moms. ... The only thing that would make this more sentimental is a script by Mitch Albom and painted backdrops by Thomas Kinkade.

Monday 12

“American Gladiators” (KOB-4 7 p.m.) Kinda sad when the return of “American Gladiators” actually sounds exciting.

Tuesday 13

The Zen of Bobby V (ESPN-2 7 p.m.) Former Mets manager Bobby Valentine moved to Japan a few years ago to coach a professional baseball team. Since then, he’s become a superstar. (The guy even has a beer named after him.) This ESPN-produced documentary examines both Valentine’s overseas fame and the obsession the Japanese people have with the sport of baseball.

Wednesday 14

“America’s Next Top Model” (KWBQ-19 7 p.m.) Leading consumer groups recommend replacing your Top Model once every six months. In tonight’s 10th season finale, we get to meet the fresh new gal who will be clutching handbags on the pages of Vanity Fair through early fall.

“1000 Ways to Die” (Spike TV 9 p.m.) As advertised in the title, this two-part special details, in scientific terms, what happens when people croak. What actually occurs when a rattlesnake’s venom enters a human’s bloodstream? What do nitrogen bubbles do to your body? Pathologists, toxicologists, herpetologists and other experts are on hand to explain the intricacies of mortality.