Rock You Like a Himacane
When I first met the The Associated Press Stylebook oh so many years ago, I found it smug, snobbish. I resented it the way I resent anyone who’s constantly correcting me. It’s a newsroom’s Holy Words Book, consulted by irreverent, suspicious journalists who rarely agree on anything. If the Stylebook didn’t exist, “left-hander” might appear hyphenated in some articles and unhyphenated in others. The chaos!
Year after year, The Book’s organization (overseen by a crackerjack team of coked-up virgos, I imagine) baffles. It makes a special sense once you’ve navigated it for a spell, but how user-friendly is that, really? Further, I ask you, should Stylebook be one word? I remain unconvinced that it doesn’t belong to the same Frankensteinian family as “appletini.”
Maybe that’s why the Fake AP Stylebook Twitter feed tickles me so. Entries:
Use “shall” in formal propositions. Ex: I shall rock you like a hurricane, Your Majesty.
You don't spell 'whiskey,' you savor it.
Commas are probably the most misunderstood of all punctuation. They frequently dress in black, listen to sad music, and cut themselves.
Female: "Hurricane Jenny", male: "Himacane Jeremy.”
In a double entendre, write a figure of speech so it can be taken in two ways—from the front and from the rear.
"Babymaker" to describe sex organs. "Baby-maker" for an employee in a baby factory.
We assure you, there is no way to denote sarcasm in text.
- Jenn-tastic
- Since 2006-08-07
- Posts: 153
heheheheheh...Is it douche-bag or just douchebag??? [ Mon Nov 23 2009 9:55 PM ]
The Stylebook serves the same purpose as having a dictionary handy when ya play Scrabble....just so you can keep people from turning on each other in a violent way when somebody claims that "butthammer" is a legitimate triple word score. That's usually me, though.- maren
- Since 2006-06-20
- Posts: 486
My favorites [ Tue Nov 24 2009 10:43 PM ]
In a byline, "With additional reporting by" can be shortened to "Big Ups To."
Do not combine a dash & a colon. It will open a portal to the Lost Tomb of Colonel McCormick. Also, it looks like a tiny dong.
When writing front-page headlines, make sure they are clear, can be read while spinning and move the movie's plot forward.
"Bloody Mary" on first and second mentions, "Mary" on third to avoid summoning her through the mirror.
Before using public domain works in your story, wash your hands. Other people have to use them too, you know.
The proper use for a douche is to apply the liquid to any area that may be dry or have unwanted odors.
