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timewaster

The Daily Word in armlessness, the Kegelmaster 2000, turkey insemination, and

The Daily Word

Antique armless race car driver, modern armless race car driver.

Ten amazing armless people including a guy who played Let It Be for The Pope.

Did Jan Van Eyck invent oil painting?

Look at this mud puddle.

Watch this Englishman put out a fire with a vacuum cleaner.

Photo gallery of things people save when they escape from their burning house.

300+ mph jet powered.... Schoolbus.

Police raid "sexual healing" church in Phoenix.

Just try bringing up the subject of Kegel exercises in the digital age and someone will find the Kegelmaster 2000. It's the world's first progressive resistance vaginal exerciser, in case you didn't know.

Here is one man who is not afraid of radiation poisoning in Fukushima.

Update on the Chinese ghost-city of Ordos.

Everything you never wanted to know about pigeon shit on your roof.

Turkey inseminator.

Let's check in with Blue Andy Rooney.

What happened on 9/11/1972? The beginning of The Pinto Affair, which could have been avoided according to the WORLD'S MOST BORING MAN.

Timewaster

Fashion cats

Q: What's cuter than a soft little kitty with big tawny eyes?

A: A soft little kitty with big tawny eyes dressed in Victorian garb!

Japanese cat-fashion designer Takako Iwasa brings you the latest trends in feline couture with her new book Fashion Cats. Furry supermodels Prin and Koutaro patiently and calmly don the highest fashions in delicate laces, proper gentleman's wear and even animalian costume.

One might think that feline nature might cause the two models to be less than pleased with their tight-fitting caps, but this video portrays their willing nature ... well, at least compared to some.

Fashion just a got a whole lot cuter.

Timewaster

What’s that humming sound?

Nevermind. It stopped.


[click to enlarge]

Timewaster

Cannonballs of class

Leisure diving—the latest pointless activitiy making a big splash

There’s some oft-repeated saying I used to hear in art classes about how “all the good ideas have already been taken.” Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks this is a bunch of blowhard b.s. And the people are taking to the streets. But while they may be disproving the establishment, the results aren’t exactly Kafkaesque.

Take, for example, the trend of “leisure diving.” Following in the wake (no pun intended) of planking and parkour, this activity proves that people are susceptible to doing really dumb shit in order to get their picture on the interwebs.

But what is lesiure diving, you ask? According to leisuredive.com, it’s a “jump into a body of water (or at least something soft), striking a ‘leisure pose’ in mid-air. Ideally, a photographer captures the moment when the diver has reached peak height above water, when his or her hips are parallel to the waterline.”

It’s no parkour, but I’ll admit it takes the cake over planking—at least this thing involves elements like timing and physical exertion.

So what’s the next mindless human trend gonna be? I don’t know, but I’m starting to side with my art professor—eventually the reservoir will run dry.

And when that armageddon of idiocy occurs, my prediction is that the social media and performance-photography hordes will turn to existentialism. The new trend will be called “blanking.” It will involve taking pictures of yourself doing all these crazy things that have already been done. But with the lens cap on.

Timewaster

The name of the cookie.

Yesterday I was standing near a plate of little brown cookies at a funeral reception. A woman asked me what kind of cookies they were.

“They’re called Me Neithers,” I told her. “Do you like them?”

Timewaster

New Restaurant

I ate lunch at some new restaurant at Second and Tijeras today and it gave me Galeria.

Timewaster

Old Sayings… Interrupted

Why buy the cow when… I wouldn’t marry that cow.

Don't look a gift horse in the… I can't believe you bought me a pony, Daddy!

A penny saved… My car broke down and I need to take the bus to my family or something.

A friend in need… I don't have a truck anymore.

A fool and his money… My car broke down and I need to take the bus to my family or something.

The apple doesn't fall far from the… horse’s ass at the Genius Bar.

A watched pot never… I think the cops are watching us.

Absence makes the heart… Call an ambulance!

Good things come to those who… Will you please get to the point?

All work and no play… Jack Black sucks.

Women: you can't live with them… She just found a really cute apartment.

Timewaster

Ghost Hunting Tour Wednesday June 8th at Casa Esencia

I’m conducting a 21+ tour of the paranormal tonight (Wednesday, June 8th) at Casa Esencia, formerly Maria Teresa Restaurant, at 800 Rio Grande NW. That place is literally crawling with ghosts, demons, monsters, ogres and middle-aged Hispanic women in maroon dresses. I think there’s also a dance party there, but whatever. I’m looking for ghosts and maybe scooping ice cream or something. Casa Esencia: it are hornted.

Timewaster

The Army spent billions developing a secret code.

When I was in the army they were working on a secret code: "One" meant "I don't know."

I didn't listen to the rest of it. I just walked around in the army saying "one" to everybody.

Bombs were blasting. People were dying all around me. "One! One!" I kept shouting. "Don't you die on me, you motherfucker!"

Timewaster

I received an important message from Brose Lachian in my spam trap.

Brose writes, in pertinent part:

When the cocker spaniel daydreams, a recliner toward a dust bunny self-flagellates. A satellite for a fruit cake ridiculously writes a love letter to a girl scout from the burglar. Indeed, a wedge about a tuba player makes a truce with a movie theater. Sometimes a worldly pig pen sweeps the floor, but the diskette behind the formless void always tries to seduce a moldy fairy! A linguistic oil filter knowingly satiates an almost boiled satellite. The oil filter completely operates a small fruit stand with a bottle of beer defined by a cheese wheel. When a turkey leaves, another ski lodge from the tripod reads a magazine. When another hypnotic mating ritual is soggy, the polka-dotted warranty borrows money from a treacherous fairy. Any photon can negotiate a prenuptial agreement with a tomato, but it takes a real hydrogen atom to trade baseball cards with the spider related to a pine cone. Now and then, the fairy completely tries to seduce the pickup truck from some flavored hell. A fire hydrant defined by the freight train matches A cheese wheel, a wedge inside a blithe spirit, and a fried cocker spaniel are what made America great! Now and then, an orbiting hockey player befriends a treacherous turn signal. Another cowboy living with a cloud formation hardly sanitizes a carpet tack, or the rattlesnake behind an apartment building completely gives secret financial aid to a tape recorder. The burglar toward the movie theater Most people believe that an eagerly magnificent plaintiff reaches an understanding with another submarine from a hole puncher, but they need to remember how knowingly the scythe about a deficit daydreams. When a fraction is resplendent, the pig pen for a nation assimilates some paper napkin. A lazily cantankerous demon secretly admires some sheriff. For example, a spartan buzzard indicates that the spider behind a short order cook graduates from the makeshift movie theater. The pig pen toward a tabloid Now and then, the chess board related to a grizzly bear secretly finds subtle faults with a t [...]

Then a gigantic virus crashed my computer.


Today's Events

Stand-Up Comedy Thursday at The Stage @ Santa Ana Star

Featuring three of the country’s best stand-up comedians: Jose Sarduy, Jessica Michelle Singleton and Wolfman.

Sean Costanza at Blackbird Buvette

Drop-In Holiday Card Craft at East Mountain Library

More Recommented Events ››
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LowLife Happy Hour
LowLife Happy Hour12.26.2014