It's Wednesday, July 23
and a teenager says he looked into the mirror after beating two homeless men to death and "saw the devil,"
APD cornered a fugitive and shot at him for the second time in six months. This time, they killed him.
A boy exploring an abandoned house in Ohio discovered a mummified corpse hanging in the closet.
Archaeologists have found the remains of a huge, 7-foot-long dog buried near the site where a demonic hound was said to have murdered church-goers in the 16th century.
A mysterious, yawning crater has opened up in the Yarnal region of Siberia and nobody knows why. Please note that "Yarnal" translates to "End of the world."
And some women are rejecting feminism because they need help opening jars.
John Bear reviewed Peter Heller's postapocalyptic novel The Dog Stars in this week's issue. It got me thinking about what life would be like if everything went to shit. Actually, it got me thinking about all the things I would enjoy doing if there were some sort of cataclysmic event that wiped out most of the population—be it the coming zombie apocalypse, the also-plausible vampire apocalypse, or any of the doomsday scenarios that religious zealots spew forth every year.
To answer this question, I decided to consult a few of my favorite films and novels that deal in such grim matter.
And the realization that I came to is this: I'd get drunk.
That's right, if the world ended, everyone I knew and cared about was wiped out, and I had to spend my days raiding zombie-infested grocery stores with eerily flickering fluorescent lights, armed with a sawed-off—all in the name of scrounging up some Chef Boyardee and Twinkies—I'd probably come home in the evening to a nice fifth of $500 bourbon.
If you need proof that this is probably what you would do too, let us turn to a couple primary sources.
First off, there's Richard Matheson's brilliant 1954 novel, I Am Legend. You are most likely familiar with this work via the Charlton Heston flick or that Will Smith one that included some of the worst CGI of the 21st century.
If you haven't read Matheson's book, I advise you to do so. The protagonist, Robert Neville, basically goes around killing the shit out of vampires and then ... you guessed it, getting hammered. It's one of the most entertaining books I've ever read.
Moving on, there's that great scene in George Romero's Dawn of the Dead where some folks hole-up in a shopping mall to get away from the zombie hordes. And what do they do? Raid the mall's liquor store and get schnockered on high-end booze.
Exhibit C: When the world is ravaged by crazies infected with some sort of ape rabies in 28 Days Later, Brendan Gleeson's character grabs as much fine Scotch as his shopping cart can handle whilst on a scavenging run. He then proceeds to drink it.
Getting back to Peter Heller's book, all I know about its protagonist's tastes for liquids is that he drinks Coke. I already don't trust him.
From now on, APD officers will use lapel cameras on every call.
The city’s hearing officer is fired after the mayor and police chief deem him overly biased.
The vice squad is investigating two “massage” parlors for ties to global sex trafficking after making prostitution arrests.
Three agents caught up in secret service prostitution debacle turn down lie-detector tests.
Anti-military protestors in Cairo were violently attacked; eleven died of their injuries.
Chinese dissident leaves U.S. embassy, where he sought protection after allegedly suffering abuse during house arrest.
Nobel-prize winner Aung Sun Suu Kyi is “cautiously optimistic” as she assumes her seat in Myanmar’s parliament.
As Gingrich prepares to bow out of the primary, Ron Paul supporters continue their quiet campaign to win delegates.
Johnny Depp’s Tonto costume is modeled after a painting by a white artist whose images aren’t historically or ethnographically accurate.
Caught with your foot in your mouth? Embarrassing public gaffe? God forgives you, according to Rick Perry.
Recent male rush to amp testosterone levels troubles doctors, if not pharmaceutical companies.
Wife of avid Guinness world records collector: “He’s crazy. I would never vote for him.”
Advances in food science could result in less ouchie boo-boos.
Turks and Americans are 22 percent convinced the End Is Near. The French? Much more skeptical.
Hair of the dog. With voicebox bagpipes.
Think the world is going to end in 2012? WRONG! Try May 21st 2011.
Relive the past ten years of time-wasting by wasting more time on these top ten memes of the decade.
Close to zero degrees in ABQ last night. There are no interesting links for thawing frozen water pipes so watch some stupid snowmobile viddies. Might want to turn the sound down and play Sound of Music instead.
Iraq may ban guns. Wait-wait, make that toy guns.
Dolphins beach themselves because... well, because they're deaf.
Gee, didn't see this coming: Organ donation as condition of parole is probably illegal.
On new years day in 1788, Quakers in Pennsylvania emancipated their slaves. That's 19 years before the British abolished the slave trade and 75 years before the emancipation proclamation.