John Bear reviewed Peter Heller's postapocalyptic novel The Dog Stars in this week's issue. It got me thinking about what life would be like if everything went to shit. Actually, it got me thinking about all the things I would enjoy doing if there were some sort of cataclysmic event that wiped out most of the population—be it the coming zombie apocalypse, the also-plausible vampire apocalypse, or any of the doomsday scenarios that religious zealots spew forth every year.
To answer this question, I decided to consult a few of my favorite films and novels that deal in such grim matter.
And the realization that I came to is this: I'd get drunk.
That's right, if the world ended, everyone I knew and cared about was wiped out, and I had to spend my days raiding zombie-infested grocery stores with eerily flickering fluorescent lights, armed with a sawed-off—all in the name of scrounging up some Chef Boyardee and Twinkies—I'd probably come home in the evening to a nice fifth of $500 bourbon.
If you need proof that this is probably what you would do too, let us turn to a couple primary sources.
First off, there's Richard Matheson's brilliant 1954 novel, I Am Legend. You are most likely familiar with this work via the Charlton Heston flick or that Will Smith one that included some of the worst CGI of the 21st century.
If you haven't read Matheson's book, I advise you to do so. The protagonist, Robert Neville, basically goes around killing the shit out of vampires and then ... you guessed it, getting hammered. It's one of the most entertaining books I've ever read.
Moving on, there's that great scene in George Romero's Dawn of the Dead where some folks hole-up in a shopping mall to get away from the zombie hordes. And what do they do? Raid the mall's liquor store and get schnockered on high-end booze.
Exhibit C: When the world is ravaged by crazies infected with some sort of ape rabies in 28 Days Later, Brendan Gleeson's character grabs as much fine Scotch as his shopping cart can handle whilst on a scavenging run. He then proceeds to drink it.
Getting back to Peter Heller's book, all I know about its protagonist's tastes for liquids is that he drinks Coke. I already don't trust him.
There have been some troubles at a local high school. And that's putting it lightly.
La Cueva, the school most consistently associated with sports and winning, was put through the ringer last week. First, the football team, which won the state championship last year, got knocked out of the playoffs by Mayfield. The Las Cruces team then went on to beat Manzano for the top prize.
After going undefeated in 2009, the La Cueva Bears were expected to repeat, especially since they were led by Texas Tech-bound Ronnie Daniels. Daniels racked up the awards as the season went by, but the Bears fell short.
The bus ride back home to Albuquerque after that game was certain to be a terrible time, but events spun out from there that will have far-reaching effects. Head coach Fred Romero and assistant coach Mike Tixier were removed from La Cueva, will be reassigned to another school and are banned from ever coaching again. The pair is, of course, appealing the decision.
The Albuquerque Journal is often criticized for its fawning coverage of the east heights schools (especially La Cueva's football and basketball programs), but the paper’s been on top fo this story. Yesterday, an article detailed some of the other offenses the school's racked up, including baseball and volleyball infractions.
All this explains the unusual step APS Superintendent Winston Brooks took in expelling Romero and Tixier from their positions, but it doesn't do much to clean up the situation at La Cueva. Students have claimed, believably in my opinion, that this sort of behavior occurs at all schools. There can be little doubt about that.
However, with the spotlight once again on La Cueva and its athletic program, Brooks had to feel some kind of impetus for greater-than-normal action. Time will tell the toll his decisions will have on the school, the athletics programs, the student body and, most importantly, the lives of men who have given much of their time and lives to those same schools, athletics programs and students.
Rescue crews can't find a man pulled into a turbulent arroyo.
A meteor above Burque.
Some health care reform starts today.
Santa Fe's got bedbugs. And so does Albuquerque.
Sure. Blame it on a mockumentary, Joaquin Phoenix.
Blockbuster is dying. Netflix wins.
Ay. "The party of stop."
Obama asks Arab nations for peace.
Fancy people put booze in their fruit, too. (Not so much Everclear, though.)
A new dinosaur. Maybe even better than stegosaurus.
The richest people got 8 percent richer this year. What recession? Oh wait ...
Another offshore oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico exploded.
Hurricane Earl is growing and heading for North Carolina.
Stephen Hawking says God didn't create the universe.
Woman's body found on a NE Heights sidewalk. She was 30.
Pipe bomb in a Rio Rancho apartment complex.
Privately owned prisons in N.M. haven't paid fines for understaffing.
More people in N.M. don't like the boosted war effort in Afghanistan.
LANL OK'd to build a staging facility for nuclear waste.
Families say Santa Fe police threatened them with deportation when they wouldn't cooperate in an investigation.
Chain-smoking 2-year-old quits.
Look how much BP spent trying to clean up … its image.
Stop the press! Some women like having small breasts.
Have a DIY drink.
Police spokesperson Nadine Hamby confirmed that tonight and tomorrow night between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m., APD will send people under 21 into businesses that sell and serve alcohol. This means bars and liquor stores, grocery stores, convenience stores, etc. This citywide sting is part of an effort to curb underage drinking.
New Mexico gets its own new dinosaur, the Ojoceratops.
Want to head into nature to find your own dino? The Gila Forest celebrates Trails Day today and tomorrow at several sites by waiving fees. What are you doing? GO!
Teenagers. They just do it all the time don't they?
Have pride in your commitment and want to celebrate that with a ceremony? Head to New York.
So, McDonald's can sell poison "food" but not poison accoutrement?
One small step for man, one giant leap for space tourism.
Wait? What does one wear to Mars?
Some British guy's got an electric car. Good for him.
Lets hope he can stay off the sauce long enough to get home.
It might cost $100 million to clean up that maybe 8 million gallon jet fuel leak at Kirtland.
Speaking of spills, they may have stopped the Gulf geyser for now.
Meet the woman in charge of the federal department that inspects offshore oil rigs. Or don't meet her. She wouldn't comment.
The Gulf spill is officially the worst in U.S. history.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal might make it out of committee alive.
Interesting tag about ICE on this N.M. domestic violence story.
Hundreds in Ventana Ranch on the city's Westside are protesting at the construction site of a liquor store.
Bernalillo is in debt and won't hire a police chief or fire chief.
This guy tattooed himself to ask his chick to marry him.
A man writes about understanding women's body-image issues.
Albuquerque police officer is a suspect in his wife's death.
A sales tax hike inches forward in the House.
Did an angry mob surround APD officers? Or did the officers just get bent out of shape?
Howard Zinn, the historian and activist who wrote A People's History of the United States, died yesterday.
The man who killed the abortion doctor has been convicted.
Lobos focus on MWC, not NCAA. And it's not because they suck.
Bill Gates pledges $10 billion for vaccines.
The economy "roared ahead" in the fourth quarter of 2009, growing at its fastest rate in six years. (Whoa. Good economy news? Yes, please.)
Pee Wee Herman got an iPad.
Professional women drink more than lower-paid women.
People skeptical of homeopathy plan to swallow whole bottles of pills.
A news release in my inbox today took me back to 2006. It was my first year at the Alibi, and I was working on a series of stories about stiffer rules for bars in New Mexico. Bar owners feared subjective enforcement of the proposed three strikes rule. It went into effect in October 2006. Under it, those found guilty of three or more violations of the Liquor Control Act in a single year can lose their liquor license.
As today’s release from the state’s Alcohol and Gaming Division points out, the average value of a liquor license is $300,000 to $400,000.
The division is going after five establishments around the state. They’ve received the following citations:
Rudy’s Red Barn in Albuquerque—Sales to minors (4)
Class Act in Gallup—Sales to intoxicated persons (5)
Silver Stallion in Gallup —Sales to intoxicated persons (5), open after hours, open container
Anasazi in Farmington—Sales to intoxicated persons (5)
America’s Best Value in Farmington—Sales to intoxicated persons (4), sales to a minor (2)
From the release:
In the last few years, AGD has successfully prosecuted several establishments under the Three Strikes Initiative, resulting in fines, days of closure and even license revocations for bars violating the Liquor Control Act.
Today I received an interesting press release from Jägermeister, detailing how the German digestif is going on a country tour. Jägermeister, or “Jäger,” as it’s known by the frat guys heavily associated with it, is likely one of the douchiest boozes around. Is it me, or is it weird that a liquor company would go on tour? Would you want your band to be sponsored by booze? If so, which one?
Jägermeister, the brand known for decades of involvement with rock and metal bands, continues to expand its music presence with the 2010 Jägermeister Country Tour featuring Nashville singer-songwriter Eric Church with special guest and opening act Josh Thompson. The tour, which is Jägermeister’s second in the Country Music genre, kicks off February 9th and visits 32 venues across the nation in celebration of Church's critically acclaimed sophomore release Carolina.
Jägermeister has been supporting musicians through local sponsorships and national music tours since 1994 and continues to evolve with the core consumer's lifestyle and interests. "The brand had tremendous success in 2009 with the introduction of the Jagermeister Country Tour headlined by Pat Green" says Bill Henderson, Senior Vice President of Marketing and Advertising for Sidney Frank Importing Company, Inc. "We are extremely excited to have Eric Church and Josh Thompson on the road with us in 2010 and look forward to a great tour."
"Our shows have been one big party for a while now," says Eric Church. "This tour is going to be unlike anything our fans have seen. We are bringing the level up a notch and I know the fans will do the same. I'm proud to have Jägermeister as a partner for this tour. Not only are they known for bringing the party, but seeing as it tends to get hot at our shows, I want to thank them for keeping the shots ice cold."
Squeezethegoddamnlimeintomydrink! Or, kindly set it on the rim of the drinking vessel—have some class, dude. Making people fish fruit out of icy five dollar liquid is not cool.
Bars shouldn't just be conduits of booze—pride should be taken in the creation of drinks. Might our city's lackadaisical bartenders take a hint from Tales of the Cocktail. This conference, held every summer in New Orleans, celebrates the grand tradition of coquetiers, pronounced koh-kuh-TYAYS. July being far off, another, less humid option is The Craft of the Cocktail, a book that claims to make master bartenders out of its readers.
Anyway, squeeze the lime, OK?