I am going to need another tug off that bottle of Thunderbird if I am going to go down there and rescue one of those kittens said Charlie to the spare but shabby living room of the house on Silver Avenue.
Chauncy was in the room under the stairs which contained a sink, a shower and crapper. He did not hear Charlie talking nonsense about the cats because he was getting ready for his evening shift at the steakhouse. Chauncy was frantically trying to coax chicken fat stains out of his black trousers with a toothbrush and a bottle of Florida Water.
The others were in the first-floor bedroom, across from all of that. They couldn't hear Charlie either. Michael was smoking dirt weed out of a pipe he had carved from an apple, reclining like royalty on the bed while his stunned girlfriend Sherri sat in the corner picking glitter out of her hair and counting Jeffersons. They moved in last week and Charlie knew them about as well as any of the other punk rockers from across the street.
Charlie looked around and realized he was speaking to empty space, chatting with the void. He got up and dragged himself to the kitchen. Tim Lodgeson was in there cooking a chicken in the microwave. He had the whole thing in the oven for ten minutes while the two of them sat around jawing about school. Charlie couldn't make heads or tails of what Lodgeson told him. It was something about forests and capitalism.
When the meat came out it was gray. It had the appearance of plastic. Tim took the bird and skewered it with a big silver serving fork he had taken from the cafeteria last semester, around Thanksgiving. He started gnawing on the chicken as if he had not eaten for a week, like he had conquered a small but vicious dinosaur with teeth and technology.
Charlie excused himself politely, gagged and walked out onto the back porch. He could hear the kittens in the basement mewling for their mother. The hell with the Thunderbird, he thought, I sure would like a new pet cat. Further reasoning that such an outcome would be a pleasant surprise for his girlfriend, he sauntered down the stairs and into the darkness.
He felt his way around for a bit until he could reach out and pull on the chain that turned on the light bulb in the middle of basement. Sure enough, there was a litter of cats in the basement. Their mother was nowhere to be seen. Charlie crept over to snatch up a tiny calico.
An eruption of teeth and fur and hair and blood coincided with that action as the hidden mother pounced. The living fury would not come off him, though he clawed and clawed at it. He retreated and was filled up with a queasy combination of shame and horror. The damn thing finally let up when he got to the door, lunging for the knob and hitting his head on the concrete as he fell toward the yard.
Back inside of the house on Silver Avenue, Michael and Sherri had crept out their room and were watching Hee Haw in the big front room. Chauncy was in the kitchen critiquing Tim's culinary procedures as he attempted to saw a leg off of what was left of the poultry experiment. Chauncy was dressed for work now. He looked like a million bucks and was being awfully careful not to get any schmaltz on his waiter's uniform as he danced around Tim's meaty methodologies.
As the two went on and on about the wonders of microwave cooking and with the mellow sounds of George Jones drifting through the whole place, Charlie entered from the porch. He asked for a wet towel and wondered aloud where his bottle of wine might have gotten to. Saturday night had just begun.
Virginia teen faces 11 years in prison for controlling Twitter account in supports of ISIS and helps friend travel to join group.
Barclays plans to build Santolina: an entirely new city just outside Albuquerque.
40,000 bees were found under this woman’s bedroom floor.
Italy warns consumers of a Prosecco shortage.
A salmonella outbreak in the US linked to sushi tuna has sickened more thank 50 people.
An adult dating site was hacked, publicly revealing its users’ kinky turn-ons.
Here’s a glimpse into the life of a sumo wrestler.
These portly cats and dogs are participating in a pet slimming contest.
This week's contest simultaneously melted our hearts and brains. It's hard to decide a winner when every dang picture is the cutest thing on planet earth.
Here's a few of our favorites:
But since there can only be one winner, we all agreed Instagram user amandastclaire's picture turned our hearts into applesauce!
Congratulations, amandastclaire! We have $10 alibi bucks for you and a surprise waiting for you at our office! You can email email@example.com to redeem your prizes!
Stay tuned for next week's photo contest guidelines!
The new Ghostbusters movie has an all female cast!
Drinking soda may cause early menses.
This woman had 13 pounds of pot hidden in her car and had no idea. I’ve only ever found a kind of scratched cd labeled “DAD’S MIX” in my car :(
A thoughtful piece on Tent City.
In Florida they have zombie cats!
Here is a disco version of "Suicide Is Painless" .
Some tips on surviving catastrophe.
and it's Sarah McLachlan's birthday today!
All it takes is a few racist comments to get 'em running for the hills.
A drunk Australian passenger caused a “hijack” alert. Probably shouldn't have what he's having.
President Obama and South Korea's President Park Geun-hye warn North Korea if they follow through with nuclear threats, they could face some hefty sanctions.
Apparently a Connecticut high school student was stabbed for turning down a prom date proposal.
For New Mexico residents: If you wanna get your driveways re-paved, this guy probably wouldn't work out.
Police are investigating the discovery of a decomposing body on the desert mesa northwest of Rio Rancho.
Steve Casaus, the stepfather of Omaree Varela (a child who was beaten to death in December, allegedly by his mother), has been “segregated” from other inmates because of the “high-profile” case.
Governor Susana Martinez' chief of staff used government credit cards for personal purchases, but he insists that since he reimbursed the state, he wasn't trying rob tax payers.
A woman underwent plastic surgery to look better in her selfies. Let's use internet jargon for this one: SMH.
Did Flight MH370 disintigrate in midair?
A smoldering body was found in San Diego.
A Decatur woman with Alzheimer’s was living with her husband’s dead body for a month.
In Greeley, stoners can’t get haircuts at Hugo’s Barber Shop. LSD is probably okay, though.
Hipsters like obscure bands, then stop liking them when they achieve commercial success.
Mercury, the cat with no arms, amuses humans by walking upright.
Drug users are reportedly being extorted by people posing as DEA agents. Drug users who are approached by these fake agents should, um, contact the DEA immediately.
An Albuquerque man is in custody after police learned he had been holding his wife hostage in their home for the past four days. The wife escaped and called police from a neighbor’s house when the man went to get cigarettes. The man then hid from police in his mother’s house. Drugs may have been involved.
Tesla’s new battery factory might be in New Mexico. Deja vu.
Happy birthday, Chuck Norris.
Try this chicken and waffles grilled cheese sandwich.
Did you get the rent money?
Kanye West does not like to be teased.
Here’s Pulp Fiction in :60.
A time traveller on the internet.
It’s plague season in NM.
You could be an extra in La Vida Robot.
The Weather Channel has dubbed NM 2013’s Most Extreme Weather State.
Happy birthday, Wilford Brimley.
I walk through our tall flower garden in the back yard. I close my eyes and feel and smell the flowers. They are as tall as corn, and of many different varieties. I turn around and walk back through them toward the house. I hear robins singing. I feel a tugging in my left vest pocket. I find a robin squirming in there. A yellow cat has also jumped up into the crook of my left arm. I walk to the back screen door to show G.
Ex-Mayor Marty is on his way to D.C. He'll be joining a lobbying firm that represents clean air activists, education boosters, Wal-Mart, Verizon and shady car title loans.
The ancient church at Alameda kicks off a centennial celebration with a bunch of funerals.
A proposed New Mexico law written to reject Federal law (something something guns, something something states' rights) has been rejected. Duh.
Legalized gay marriage in Washington state meant that Gomer Pyle could get married.
The Boy Scouts of America are thinking about maybe not being so mean to gay kids.
And an Arkansas town pretty much just declared martial law.
Police have arrested three people in connection with a nightclub fire that killed more than 230 people in southern Brazil over the weekend.
A bipartisan group of senators has agreed on a blueprint for a sweeping overhaul of the immigration system, including a pathway to American citizenship.
Head to room 308 at the capitol building in Santa Fe on a new gun control bill.
More sleep might equal a better memory. This makes my Monday morning just a bit better.
This handy dandy website lets you zoom in to your neighborhood and see how much rain was reported in the last 24 hours.
An Albuquerque police detective was arrested and charged with aggravated DWI on Saturday morning, but he said it was texting that made him drive badly, not the drinking.
New information has come out the a grand jury voted to indict the parents of slain child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey in 1999.
A giant visual list of 101 cats snuggling with stuffed animals.
Watch last night’s presidential debate sober.
There was a giant rectangular UFO in Texas.
Billy Idol is playing a birthday party.
New York’s highest court declares that lap dances are not art.
The Manson Family may be linked to 12 additional unsolved homicides.
Here’s a brain-like scalp.
Florida cops shot a naked lady.
Enjoy these old-timey photo manipulations.
The sad little dotted zebra has no herd.
Pretending to love cats on the internet.
Billy Graham left some final advice about voting.
A woman was raised by monkeys then sold into prostitution.
Ralph Davis has been found.
UNM researchers have help for your burned tongue.
Happy birthday Weird Al Yankovic.
Thanks for the many assists from Constance Moss, E.J. Maliskas, Tom Nayder and Robert Masterson.
Newly completed path saves time for Balloon Fiesta bikers.
The nation’s unemployment rate dropped in September to its lowest since 2009.
Sad husky embarks on two-mile solo trek to visit owner in hospital.
One of New Mexico’s most wanted fugitives captured in Mexico.
California sees 17 cent rise in gas prices overnight.
50 years after its debut, Beatles fans come together to sing record breaking rendition of Love Me Do.
Apparently “true giants” only have four toes.
Colonel Meow wishes you a happy Friday!