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Here it is, 10:51 on Monday morning and I’m starting in on my fourth cup of java, hoping to find that sweet spot between drowsiness and the shakes, and then I wonder: could I actually OD on this stuff?
I don’t mean jittery, can’t-stop-talking, eighth-time-to-visit-the-toilet overdosing–God knows I’ve had plenty of experience with that–but you know, for real collapsing-into-seizures, burst-blood-vessels-in-the-brain, dying-an-angry-noisy-death overdosing.
One internet search for “will coffee kill me?” later, and I have my answer: Yes, coffee can kill you.
One internet search for “will coffee kill me?” later, and I have my answer: Yes, coffee can kill you. But not easily.
Death By Caffeine is a web app that offers precisely this information. You enter your caffeine based drink of choice–whether it’s Mountain Dew, Red Bull or plain old brewed coffee–and then your weight. Push the handy little “Kill Me” button, and you’ll have a surprisingly specific answer as to how much of the poison you can drink before keeling over.
In my case, it would take 94.14 cups of drip coffee to put me in the ground. Useful information, because now I know that if I’ve already had 94 cups of coffee and somebody says “Hey, Ty, can I get you another .15 cup?” I should answer with “No thanks, friend. I’m aware of my limits.” And then quiver my way homeward to spend the rest of the day screaming obscenities at the ceiling, secure in the knowledge that, while I won’t be able to close my eyes for a week, I haven’t actually risked death.
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I watch my boss walk up to R, my office mate, smiling the whole time, and break a full cup of coffee on the top of his head. I say nothing. I am paralyzed with disbelief and fear for my job. Later, I try to console R but he will not talk to me.