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V.23 No.49 |

news

The Daily Word In Snobby Egyptian Cats, Laughing Gas And Jesus Handing Out Pot

By Amelia Olson [ Wed Dec 10 2014 11:23 AM ]
The Daily Word

If you wanna be the new CEO of Abercrombie (apparently they’re still a store) you can be! Because that one guy quit. Or resigned. Or whatever the “cool kids” do.

A local high school creative writing teacher resigned after controversy surrounding a student's story about Jesus handing out pot. (Why wasn’t she our high school creative writing teacher?!)

And who hasn’t demanded a plane be taxied back to its terminal when flight snacks are served inadequately?

This woman dressed as the Abominable Snowman, and her poodle, Lizard, understand the true meaning of Christmas/life.

Any time we’ve asked for a bite of someone’s brownie, it was NEVER laced with pot. Thanks for nothing!

In other more duh-ish news, a scientist thinks laughing gas is a great way to treat depression! Tell my uptight dentist that. He’s stingy with that shit.

And if you have a genius cat, it’s possible she was once an “Egyptian princess” who was “used to being treated like a deity”

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V.19 No.30 | 7/29/2010

Man Cave

Torture should go both ways at the dentist

By John Bear [ Thu Jul 22 2010 3:40 PM ]

I apparently have super teeth. The last time I went to the dentist, she said I had a cavity. That was more than a year ago. I never got it fixed and it has nagged at me ever since.

But I went to the dentist on Wednesday, a different one, and she found nothing.

Either I’m completely off target on this super teeth thing, or the last dentist was a sadist who wanted to perform unnecessary oral surgery on me.

In any case, I love telling torture jokes during routine teeth cleanings. Dentists hate it but I feel some sort of revenge is in order for having stranger’s hands in my mouth. Quid pro quo.

My personal favorite is called the “Marathon Man,” named after a movie starring Dustin Hoffman as a guy who gets tortured by a Nazi dentist. Always keen on paying homage to film as part of my daily routine, I asked the dentist to ask me “Is it safe?” before commencing with the poking and prodding.

She said it, perplexed, and I thanked her, explaining that it was a movie joke. My mouth feels squeaky clean this evening. Thanks, doc.

The dental assistant told me later as she gave me the cinnamon flavored industrial tooth scrubbing that the film “The Hangover” also has dental torture jokes. I told her I would rent it; she said I wouldn’t regret it. I think next time I’ll ask the dentist, “Is it safe?”

The other option is the “El Cirujano.” Ask your dentist if she or he has ever considered doing field work for the Central Intelligence Agency or express jealousy that they have such a cool fall back career. This actually got me tortured once during a filling. I should have asked for the Novocain.

When getting a cleaning, it can be fun to adlib pleas for mercy during the short times when there aren’t any metal objects in your mouth. A “please, no more, I beg of you,” will keep the doctor on his or her toes.

If you are playing the CIA game and feel like the dentist didn’t push down on the drill hard enough after the first wise crack, these adlibs can keep the game going. Try “We’re in for a long night, doc, because I don’t know shit,” or the classic, “You’re just going to have to kill me, doc.”

Take a crack at a bad Schwarzenegger accent. Be creative. Most important: Have fun. It’s your nickel.

This is a fun and inexpensive way to make that dental appointment a little more enjoyable. The dentist will probably hate it, but they’re getting paid. Don’t let them spoil your fun.

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V.19 No.16 | 4/22/2010

Ten Things

Five Interesting Things About Me

By Nick Brown [ Tue Apr 27 2010 2:56 PM ]

1) If you stare at me for 10 seconds a message pops up on the lower left: “Next - an all new episode of Monk.”

2) I can understand animal language. This morning I heard a bird say he was so hungry he could eat a green peach.

3) I went to the dentist and asked him if he could make my teeth “go around.” Neither one of us knew what that meant.

4) I took a bunch of drugs and went to a rave that was just three hours of flashing red and blue lights with siren noises.

5) I stand by the off-ramp with a cardboard sign reading, “Drink my blood-urine $5.”

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